You know when you’re watching an episode of Deal or No Deal, and 99% of the time, the contestant will lose out on the $1,000,000, somewhere in the middle of the show?  The music gets that epic tone, and everyone face palms, and Howie Mandel goes “ohhhhh,” but then the show goes on just fine, because the case with $750,000 is still left, and that’s still a lot of money to potentially win.  But then ultimately, they’ll say “no deal,” one too many times, and not only will most of the time, they lose out on the $750,000, the $500,000, the $250,000, etc, etc, and before we know it, they’re desperately clawing at the opportunity that they can win about as much money as they would if they won a regular episode of Wheel of Fortune.  But it’s still okay, because even $25,000 is still a really nice chunk of change to win, especially for no other skill than when to say “yes.”

The situation I’m in right now is a lot like this.  But instead, the banker is dead, so there are no tempting compromises for me to possibly cash out with, and every single case above $25 has already been eliminated.  At this point, I’m literally playing for $5 or $0.05, but it doesn’t matter which one I ultimately end up with, because I’ve still really just lost the game anyway, but it’s still gotta be played for the sake of finality.

I thought this year was supposed to be better than the last year.  Even with the start of the baseball season, I can’t help but feel like garbage on a fairly regular basis, and my head’s most certainly not in the right places lately.  Call me crazy, but there are parts of me that would rather be enduring the uncertain stress of not know when my next paycheck is coming, as opposed to some of the shit I’m dealing with right now.  April is supposed to be my month, and it’s definitely not the case right now, and I’m resenting my parents for it.  I don’t really want to go to Virginia this weekend, but I’m going anyway.  Family deals with bullshit head on, not over any fucking phones.