As we get older, sometimes we try to be a little more cognizant of the things we say, even in knee-jerk reactions or the heat of moments. When I was a moody teenager who hated everything, I was pretty quick to wish death unto others, for the most minor and inconsequential of circumstances. Cut me off in traffic? I hope you blow a flat and crash to your death. Take my parking space? I hope you become collateral damage to an MS-13 drive-by. Beat me in Street Fighter by chip damage? I hope you have heart attack and keel over you fat cheap fuck.
Yeah, death is a little bit extreme when it comes to momentary lapses in judgment of gauging the value of life. I’d really be kind of disappointed if I ever wished death unto another human being, and then it actually happened. And although the chances of such are microscopically minuscule and would obviously be the perfect storm of freak circumstances and not because I mentally wished it upon them, it really does make me think twice about even absent-mindedly, wishing death unto others, especially for overall trivial matters.
These days, I just wish diarrhea unto people who piss me off. Like, really bad liquid shits, that alter an afternoon, or ruin a night’s sleep; just a temporary dull pain with inconvenient side effects. It seems like an adequate amount of comeuppance to mentally wish to inflict on other human beings who piss me off. Take too long to order at Willy’s? Clog up the self-checkout at Publix? Aggressively whip around four lanes of traffic to ultimately end up one car length ahead of me? Be the shitheads sitting in row 25+ on a flight that rushes up to row 23 to get off ten seconds sooner, and ruin the entire deplaning process? Yeah, I wish diarrhea unto all these asshole motherfuckers. The more severe shits depending on how insufferable their actions are. One really bad episode, or nuclear shits that come back several times.
However, there are admittedly still some instances where my frustration bubbles over, and I still fantasize about some horrific death occurring, as much as I don’t really want to admit it. One is very specific, to when the perfect storm of human beings all spawning on every single toilet in the gym/office when I really have to go; seriously I rarely feel as enraged as I do when I feel the need to relieve myself, but every single stall in the numerous bathroom options I have are all occupied, regardless of the fact that it’s sometimes very early in the morning at times in which I deliberately choose to workout, banking on the early time reducing the amount of people that are present.
The last time this happened, I wanted to a meteor to fall onto the building. If I can’t use a crapper, then nobody should. 🙁