Miami and I seem to be incompatible

Disclaimer: This rant was originally written at close to 4:00 a.m., before I went to bed after my first day in Miami, Florida.

I don’t want to jump the gun here too much, and the truth is that I am having a good time down here in Miami so far. I should really be asleep, since I have to be up in less than five hours to ensure that my rental car isn’t ticketed for when the parking lot goes from free parking, into pay parking for the prime parts of the beach days, but I’ve got a lot on my mind about my experiences in the city of Miami so far, and I’d like to get them in writing while they’re still fresh on my mind.

In short, Miami is no doubt a lively, bustling city, but the truth is that this is most absolutely definitely certainly not a place I’d ever want to fathom living. In my opinion, Miami sucks, and I’m not going to miss this place one bit when my trip is over.  Some of my favorite shows like Dexter and Nip/Tuck may take place here, but damn if those shows do a fantastic job of making this place look a whole hell of a lot better than the cesspool that I’m finding this place to be.

Now part of it can be my fault for taking the same cost-effective approach I take on my of my other baseball road trips, but the truth is that such an approach has yielded some genuinely good results in the past.  It’s just this approach in Miami has me led to believe that this is possibly one of the worst places in the country.

But in a snazzy bulleted format, let me list the ways:

  1. Aforementioned parking nightmare.  My cheapo hotel doesn’t have a designated parking area, so I’m at the mercy of the street and beach parking lots that are not free for most of the day, and only for ten hours of the night.
  2. It’s a ghetto city.  Replace every African-American of Atlanta with a Cuban, Dominican, or Puerto Rican, and put it near the Ocean, and you have Miami.  Same urban feel, everyone still calls one another “nigga,” and like in Atlanta, I’m still the uber-minority, as there are no Asians anywhere, and my company is surrounded by a dominant number of Hispanics.
  3. People are squatting in their vehicles or in the lobby of my hotel.
  4. Other people litter the streets in droves, even at 3:00 a.m.  Nobody adheres to traffic laws, as they’re all too drunk and clubbing, and the resulting crowds lead to taxi cabs en masse, all over the streets, being the retards that all taxi cab drivers seemingly are.
  5. It kind of smells funny everywhere I go.
  6. Clubs and Jersey Shore-douchebaggy-skanky-whorey lifestyle seems to be the norm here.  I’m a laid-back with simple tastes, and certainly like my women with a little bit more class, but I’m seeing some ridiculous outfits with some ridiculous heels, accompanied by the most bro-ey of bros at an alarming rate.  I honestly feel like I’m on a different planet being here.
  7. My tv’s system is set up in Spanish, and there’s no way to switch it to Ingles – it’s a Spanish-brand television, apparently.
  8. It takes 30 minutes to get anywhere.  Destination 2.2 miles or 7.8 miles away?  It’s going to take 30 minutes, at least.

The racial divide in Miami is apparent and kind of makes me feel uncomfortable.  It’s a lot like Atlanta in that regard, but at least in Atlanta, the majority populous of blacks all speak English, whereas the Hispanics of Miami are all speaking Spanish.

If Miami were officially named the biggest party city in the country, I wouldn’t refute it one bit.  Good for anyone who’s really into that kind of lifestyle and scene, but it’s most certainly not my cup of tea.  And as a result of such a clash of ideals and preferences, Miami fucking sucks to me.

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