Today, for the first time in about 25 consecutive episodes, the bitch was excused.
I am indeed, talking about the campy reality dating show, Excused. Since I’ve now refused to watch NFL Network Ocho AKA ESPN any further, my options at the gym are kind of limited. Atlanta news is always depressing, because it’s the same daily song and dance of some shooting in some black neighborhood, and a bunch of crime and death in the Metro area. So by default, it’s tuning into Peachtree TV, and waiting for Black Family Feud to begin, which always ends up being the last five minutes of Excused.
I won’t sugar coat it either, it’s because of this show that know who Iliza Shlesinger is; even if she speaks from one side of her face as if she had a stroke at some point in her life, I find her breasts to be exquisite, and I think she’s a sharp-witted comic, great at grilling the contestants on the show. But anyway, I’ve been seeing the end of every episode for the better parts of the last two months, and without fail, I have never seen a woman contestant get the ultimate screw-job and get ditched at the pool at the very end of the “contest.” That is, until today. It was very gratifying to see happen, because bitches are rotten people too, and it is small proof, that some men, actually do have standards too.
I didn’t think it would ever happen, either. I totally would have bet that the militant black chick who was blatantly superficial and seeking a sugar daddy was going to get excused, but no, Homey the clown was waiting at the pool when the reveal happened. I thought for sure that the Snooki-clone girl from New Jersey, complete with obnoxious voice, skanky fashion and fake tan was going to get the boot at the end, but for some reason, the Chad stuck around. It became clear that all women contestants would never be excused, because men are pathetic douches led by the wrong head, and clearly do not fear STDs, and no level of being a bitch was too high to warrant being left behind. All while dudes get excused left and right at the very end, by snobby bitches who make absurd remarks about guys being too nice or not douchebaggy enough or something absurd, leaving them high and dry with blue balls while Iliza emasculates them further before the credits roll. Not really that fair of an exchange, if you ask me; the bitches simply had too much power.
So this is why today’s episode was so gratifying; the bitch with the garish, exaggerated eye shadow, marching down the stairs, heading to the poolside, monologuing about how she just knew the dude was going to be waiting for her, and that he would have to be some sort of pathetic fool if he weren’t there, but there was no chance of that happening, because she was the crème of the crop and her shit don’t stink, and her pussy is plated with gold, rabble rabble. But then the slow crescendo of the reveal occurs, and then there’s nobody at the poolside; and I am absolutely ecstatic. I’m pretty sure I actually did a victorious fist pump while on the stairmaster machine while sweating like a pig when I saw this. It really did make me that happy to finally see a woman get excused. I don’t really remember the remarks of anger spewing from the bitch, because I was still elated that the guy had sent her packing, but I do recall the guy saying that he felt like the bitch was playing games. Capped off with the money quote, “who has the power now?” I swear, I wanted to high-five something, right then and there.
Speaking of Black Family Feud, I can’t help but wonder if anyone ever wins the fucking car? And if someone does win it, would they really care? I know these shows that are airing are all reruns, but I don’t care nearly enough to seek out whether or not anyone ever wins the car, but it does make me curious. I don’t even really know what the stipulations on qualifying for it are, whether a family has to win three or five consecutive games or something. But the fat of the matter is that I have to ask if anyone would really care, because it’s still a Ford Fusion. It’s pretty much a baby step above a Ford Focus, but not nearly as functional as Ford Taurus. In other words, it’s a piece of shit car, and even accepting the cash value for it can’t be at all that impressive, either. Regardless, in the end, I don’t care, and I’ll stop this now, because this was supposed to be a post about Excused, and apparently how much of a loser I am for watching it with such regularity. But, Iliza’s boobs.