For some reason, Konami has given the green light for a Dance Dance Revolution film to be created… with a general plot of how the “world is on the brink of destruction where the only hope is to unite through the universal language of dance.” Or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. But yeah! Film about DDR, a video game where people mash buttons in step to music, with their feet, in an attempt to emulate, dancing.
It goes without saying that this sounds like a colossal flop waiting to happen, but then again Konami, much less the entire video game industry hasn’t been known for success when it comes to translating gaming franchises into somewhat passable films, with few exceptions.
Really though, I’m extremely curious to know what kind of plot a DDR film could possibly have. If anything at all, I’d imagine the world needing to all start dancing at the same time in order to save the world would have more of a detrimental effect on a planet, what with 6 billion people stomping their feet on the surface simultaneously, creating loads of seismic destruction across the globe, but whatever. I really hope that there’s some shade thrown to DDR players that hold the rail, because I feel like they’re the ones that have effectively ruined the franchise by making it not so much about the dancing aspect, but the obsessive requirement to get high scores and succeed at clearing stages, even if it makes them look like kids learning to roller/ice skate for the first time in their lives by the way they lean and hold onto the rails for dear life.
In fact, it would be awesome if the plot were that aliens were responsible for the creation of DDR on Earth, and then that they’ve been offended and disgusted by the devolution of the game by humanity by all the rail holders, so they decide to eradicate humanity as punishment for desecrating the idea of DDR. But one of the alien race’s sleeper agents like in the plot of V, played by some white guy like Billy Eichner or in all likelihood Thomas Middleditch, is all indoctrinated by humanity and has empathy for their survival, and is able to broker a deal with the overlords of the alien race to let humanity have a chance to redeem themselves, and then the aliens deliver brand new DDR machines to Earth… THAT HAVE NO RAILS, where humanity as a collective must dance… FOR THEIR LIVES.
Holy shit, do I entertain myself sometimes. This is actually brilliant, because Konami can totally use a shitty film to be a promotional vehicle for brand new DDR machines in celebration of their recent 20-year anniversary of the game, much like The Wizard was basically a glorified commercial for the Power Glove. After the movie hits theaters for a week, Konami can start unleashing the brand new DDR 20th Anniversary Mix machines to movie theaters and what remaining arcades there are left, and they’ll have no rails on them, and people will have no choice but to practice rhythm and footwork in order to enjoy the game, thus saving the franchise.
I’d say everyone wins, but given the fact that the movie is destined for legendary embarrassment, there’ll be one casualty in this glorified promotion after all.
I can already foresee myself not even noticing when this film drops, unless someone on social media makes a sarcastic post about it, and then months after it fails magnificently will I be curious about it, and look up the plot on Wikipedia, and then in all likelihood cringe/groan/laugh at how bad it sounded, and be thankful I didn’t waste my time with it…but then out of morbid curiosity, want to see a little bit of it and try and find a pirated copy of it to screen.
I guess the real question about this whole foolhardy endeavor is, just how bad is the DDR film going to be? Is it going to be Super Mario Brothers bad, where Luigi is somehow the main character of a film based on the iconic franchise because he’s played by John Leguizamo? Will it be Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li bad, the film that effectively finished off the career of Kristen Kreuk? Or will it be as bad as the IMHO lowest hanging fruit on the bar, The House of the Dead film, created by Uwe Boll which had a fencing zombie as the final boss of the film? The bottom line, and I do mean bottom, is that there’s plenty of competition for DDR to go up against, but no matter where it lands, it will by no means be lonely in company.
