Toyota is determined to call everything a Corolla, it seems

Supposedly in 2027, Toyota will be making an attempt to enter what is new to me, a mini-truck market.  I guess it’s something that’s not even a Tacoma which is already their mid-size truck, and definitely not the full-size Tundra which is their answer to compete with the Ford F-series and Dodge’s lineup of Insurrection-mobiles.  Like I said, I didn’t even know such a market was even in need or demand, but then again the automotive industry is just one giant game of keeping up with the Joneses, so if one maker does it, others will feel the need to get in the game.

Regardless, it appears that Toyota might be calling this to-be-determined mini-truck, a Corolla; the same name as the entry-level econobox that has existed for centuries at this point, as well as the crossover vehicle they just launched a few years ago that they slapped the Corolla name onto as well.  So regardless of the constant name regurgitation, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to stop Toyota from making a Corolla Mini-truck or whatever these, basically El Caminos of the future will be classified as.

All shade aside, I understand Toyota’s rationale for wanting to swindle customers by calling everything they have under the sun a Corolla; historically the Corolla is a solid, safe, reliable and reputable car that there’s a reason has lasted since the dawn of time.  The Hachi-Rokus popularized by Initial D, were basically Corollas, most every kid in my generation and the generation after mine’s first cars were usually Corollas because they were safe, fuel-economical and didn’t quite yet look like the car you get when you’re ready to give up on the rest of your life.

There’s a reason why Lotus borrowed the Corolla engine for their North American Elise models, and there’s a reason why when Toyota got into the crossover game, they immediately slapped the Corolla name tag onto it.

But at the same time, it’s gotten redundant, convoluting, and it’s frankly watering down the Corolla name to basically call everything in the lineup a variant of a Corolla.  Eventually, the name Corolla will be made into a level of trim, or a spin-off brand, like their attempt with Scion, and if Toyota ever gets any bad PR, they’ll probably just rename the whole fuckin company Corolla, since it’s such a name associated with vanilla safety.

Either way, it’ll be interesting to see what shakes out of the trees as far as Toyota’s foray into mini-truck production and marketing.  Frankly, if I had the means, I’d rather get a Japanese kei-car, if I wanted the compact utility of what the Corolla Truck looks like it’ll provide.  It would probably be cheaper even with VAT and import fees, come with less of the fluff and bullshit, and actually serve a purpose, but most importantly, because it wouldn’t be called a Corolla, it would imply that I have yet to give up on my life just yet.

Voting for the Rome Rednecks

lol’d heartily: the High-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves, the Rome Braves announce rebranding of the team starting in 2024; reaching out to the pleebs for suggestions for the new team name

When I learned that the Braves along with a few other franchises, were selling their minor league affiliates, I knew that this was going to eventually happen.  The Braves, as well as the Yankees, Cardinals and Cubs off the top of my head, maybe a few others, were some of the only teams that owned one or more of their minor league affiliates. 

As a result, these teams would often times be generically branded as the Springfield Cardinals, Staten Island Yankees, Iowa Cubs, and in the case of the Braves, the Gwinnett Braves, Richmond Braves, Macon Braves, Mississippi Braves, Danville Braves and so forth.  In fact, the Braves were probably the worst team at brand suffocation; at one point, they basically had the rights to nearly their entire minor league pipeline, branding them all “the Braves.”

None of these teams got to be quirky, have fun names, and the freedom to brand, market and advertise, because of stuffy corporate brand standards.  And for every minor league team that was owned by their parent organizations, there would be five other teams with fun, local, unique, memorable or all of the above names and identities, that paired up with all the same, to an MLB organization.

The Montgomery Biscuits, Modesto Nuts, Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp, the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, and the Asheville Tourists come to mind off the top of my head.  All unique, quirky and interestingly branded organizations with contractual obligations to be minor league affiliates of MLB squads.  I’ve also been to the homes of all the aforementioned minor league teams, and let me tell you how much more fun minor league baseball is compared to the too-serious, pain-in-the-ass experience of big league Major League Baseball.

Well, now that the Atlanta Braves don’t have the right to lord over the Rome Braves anymore, it comes as no surprise that the newly anointed Rome Professional Baseball Club has decided to ditch the Braves name and come up with something new, fresh, and hopefully a lot more fun than a name that every so often gets brought up as whyyyy do they still have such an offensive name to indigenous people??

No more stuffy, constricting bullshit corporate standards, no more obligation to be contractually married to using nothing but red, white and navy.  The world is now a blank canvas for the Rome Professional Baseball Club, and I hope for the best that they manage to tap the people and actually get something clever, fun and with high potential to do some magical branding with.

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With all due respect to the Dream

I can’t get on board with the trophy for best defensive player of the year being named after anyone but Dikembe Mutombo. 

I love Hakeem Olajuwon, the man is an incredible champion, fantastic human being, and easily one of the greatest players of all time.  And although I’m a little surprised that the stats and numbers don’t support my argument, I think what it really boils down to is the fact that in terms of knee-jerk perception, when people think of legendary defenders, there’s no way Hakeem comes to mind before Dikembe Mutombo does.

I get the NBA’s decision and logic, Olajuwon made more All-Defensive teams than Dikembe did (9 vs. 6), averaged more blocks, had more total blocks, and was vastly the greater steals threat.  But the thing is, Hakeem Olajuwon was outstanding at pretty much everything in basketball, defense and offense.  For god’s sake, he’s one of the only guys in history to ever have a quadruple double.  If not for the existence of Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwon would probably have more MVPs and more championships in his career, and the MVP trophy would’ve been named after him.

When you say the name “Hakeem Olajuwon,” probably the first thing that will come to anyone’s mind is him completely humiliating David Robinson in the 1995 playoffs.  Sure, Olajuwon was statistically the better defender than Mutombo was, but he was still a prolific scorer that was a tremendous offensive force that the Houston Rockets relied upon to carry the team.

But when you say the name “Dikembe Mutombo,” probably the first thing that comes to mind aside from the GEICO commercial, is the countless number of blocks he rejected throughout his illustrious career.  There was a best-of-five playoff series in 1994 where he blocked 31 shots in five games, which is complete insanity, and through his pure defense, his #8 seed Denver Nuggets upset the #1 Seattle Supersonics in one of the greatest upsets in the history of the game.

Mutombo wasn’t a terrible scorer, but it was never his priority to be the man on offense.  All the teams he’s been on have always had a primary scorer aside from him, because his job was always, defense. 

Dikembe Mutombo was defense.  And no disrespect to the Dream, who may have all of the better numbers, but when people think of defense, they’re probably not thinking of him first.  They’re thinking of the finger wagging, the swag, and the guy who built his entire career on being able to alter entire offenses just by being on the court.

I get why the NBA went with Hakeem, but I genuinely think they missed a great opportunity to really make a tsunami instead of a wave.  If it were the Dikembe Mutombo Defensive Player of the Year, the trophy could easily, easily have been a trophy of a hand wagging a finger like Mutombo used to do.  Doing so makes the trophy have swagger and a bit of edge, and players in the league might actually want to step it up defensively if they thought they could win some baller hardware.  Next thing you know, we’re back to the NBA of the 90s of 86-74 final scores, where any action inside the arc usually results in a block or a steal, resulting in all games becoming the glorified three-point shootouts they’ve evolved into anyway.

But all sports fan know the saying, defense wins championships.

2 Under 2: Good news and bad news (#079)

Starting with the bad news: #2 has officially cut teeth, and thus begins the agonizing teething stage of growing up.  For those who might remember, teething was basically the worst thing in the world as far as I was concerned while raising #1, as it seemed to go on forever, and when it’s happening, there’s pretty much nothing we can do as parents to alleviate the pain they feel with their tiny little teef are boring through their gum lines.

Colic was pretty agonizing with #2, but that’s mercifully kind of subsided, leading to way fewer nuclear meltdowns, but seeing as how emotionally volatile she is, I dread the day when a teething spell reduces her to her shrill, shrieking cries of agony.  I’m sure there will be more complain-y dad brogs in the future if and once those start to occur and it begins really cramping my style to become posts.

But overall, it’s so much bad news as much as it’s something that we knew was going to come into play eventually anyway.  The real point of this post is more focused on the good news, which is that #2 has gotten cast for some advertising baby modeling, for a very national, very reputable, very known children’s brand.  Meaning, someone is going to be paying real money to take pictures of my daughter, with the intent of use for seasonal marketing materials in the near future.

#1 was cast for a fitting in her first year, but she apparently had a thermonuclear meltdown during the fitting, and was very uncooperative for the camera, so it was no wonder she wasn’t brought back for the actual shoot.  But #2 was a bit more chill, and we planned the day better to best optimize her routine behavior, and to no surprise, we received word that she was requested to come back for the actual shoot.

It’s a degree of validation that my kids are aesthetically pleasing enough to those outside of mythical wife and I myself as well as our respective families, because of course I think my girls are beautiful and the cutest babies ever.  But it’s more meaningful to hear such from neutral parties, especially ones that are willing to pay money in order to have them model for campaigns.

Not to sound arrogant or anything, but I had a feeling that we stood a very good chance.  Even more so after seeing what the competition was on the call sheet that came complete with photographs of all the other babies in contention.  #2, aside from being a little cherub face, also has the beneficial distinction of being biracial, and having worked in marketing for big corporations, I know well the attractive appeal of biracial models who are visibly ambiguous, and cover more than one checkbox.

#2 looks Asian, but at the same time doesn’t have a lot of the more stereotypical features of full-blooded Asian people.  Plus she doesn’t alienate racist white people, but at the same time still garners approval from minority demographics who can’t hate on a kid that doesn’t appear to be fully white.

As long as her behavior was kosher, I knew that #2 was going to make it through, and fortunately for us, she was behaving perfect, so it wasn’t really a surprise to me to hear that she had made it through.

So yeah, model baby.  Technically means both my girls were good enough to be baby models, but #2 got through to the actual camera.  So it’s now out of our hands at this point, and hoping that in a few months, we’ll start to see her cropping up in stores or their respective catalogues or social media channels, and it will be amazingly satisfying.

But most importantly, #2 is getting PAID.  I’m not saying it’s nothing over a grand, but still a nice chunk of change to get money less the agency fee, for doing something that most parents like me probably would’ve done for free just for the satisfaction of seeing their kids in modeling.  So much like the gif says, we goin’ to Sizzler!

This should mean war

I heard from one of my new colleagues about this, and I had to google it to try and see with my own eyes, because I hardly leave my house in the first place.  Fortunately, photo evidence of it exists, and yeah, it’s everything that was described to me, and I’m pretty much in awe.

Basically, Bojangles has decided that they give no fucks about copyright or decorum, and has erected this giant billboard off of I-75 that flagrantly uses lightly modified versions of the Chick Fil-A mascot cows as well as the Chick Fil-A typeface, in order to push awareness of their supposed new chicken sandwich. 

Which is funny to me, considering I would’ve figured they’ve had one for the last three decades, considering they’re a chicken joint, and they could just as easily take the slabs of chicken used in the cajun filet biscuits that I get exclusively, slap them in between an actual bun with some sauce and pickles, and call it a signature sandwich.  Or maybe they have, and are just releasing something a little in competition to all the other chicken joints’ signature chicken sandwiches, who really knows.

Anyway, this is somewhat notable considering Atlanta is the home of Chick Fil-A, so Bojangles marching into the metro area and propping up a billboard like this really should be a declaration of war to some degree.  But as entertaining as it would be to see an actual war brew between fast food chicken joints, we obviously won’t see anything as flagrant as this in rebuttal, unfortunately.  And Bojangles probably knows that, which is why they did it, because to the public eye, a shot like this that goes unanswered, is a point for them.

Either way, I hold no ill will towards either company, and I enjoy their products both.  Bo’s biscuits on Sunday mornings is practically a tradition in my household, which is the perfect thing to fill the void when Chick Fil-A is closed.  But Chick Fil-A’s app is the gold standard in which all fast food joints should aspire to be, and a large reason of why I go there as often as I do, as it saves me time and aggravation, two things that are in short order when living the life I do these days, all while amassing reward points for more free shit.

But make no mistake, as far as public score keeping goes, this is a huge point for Bojangles in the supposed Restaurant Chicken Wars™.  It would be nice to see CFA respond, but everyone knows they probably won’t.  At least not in Georgia.  It would be fun to see if they drop some cheeky billboards out in Charlotte, if they already haven’t.

I sometimes think only I can find the negative in a really great deal

So in my last bitchy dad post, I mentioned that some really great news came my way, that I couldn’t really feel happy about because I was too busy being a bitchy dad at that moment in my life.  But to any of my zero readers who read my shit with regularity might’ve seen a post a little while back that mentioned that I was in the hunt for a new job.

Well, I succeeded.  An offer came my way, that I’m 99% certain that I’m going to accept, because it’s a higher title than where I’m at now, a fairly substantial raise from what I make, and if/when the day comes when we have to occasionally go into the office, it’s actually a closer drive than my current job, and I wouldn’t have to get on a single highway.

All things considered, it’s a win in every aspect.

So why am I writing about it as if there was some sort of questionable catch?

The thing is, there really are none.  At least from most normal standards.  The only reason I’m not completely gung-ho about the whole opportunity is that in spite of all the wins, this wasn’t my first pick in my job search.

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Love it, and I’d totally use it

Targeted ads are a funny thing.  I have no idea what was ever said, written or searched for, in proximity of my phone or internet browsing history, but I got this ad on theFacebook for this product that’s basically a giant helmet, meant to be the alternative to wearing face masks in the current world we live in today.

Called the VYZR or some shit, because vowels are so fucking overrated, it’s a giant bubble that straps underneath your armpits, but completely encases your head, neck and shoulders, and has all sorts of filtration and air flow capabilities, but most importantly, allows the rest of the world to see your whole face in its unmasked glory, without compromising the safety of everyone around.

It’s the epitome of ridiculous, but at the same time, I fucking love it, and if they weren’t like $400, I’d totally be interested in it.  Sure, it would basically make me look like the Intel Pentium mascots from the late 90s, but I wouldn’t have to have a piece of fabric strapped to my face, smelling my own breath, hooking on the arms and fogging up my glasses all the time.

And I already know how it would feel, because the general connection apparatus of it is nearly identical to the Mini Mei baby seat for shoulders that mythical wife got me for Father’s Day, and it’s pretty tolerable, and for the sake of being able to safely breathe out in public, I’d gladly strap a giant bubble to my head.