Tag: crime

Looks like someone else forgot to carry a one

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Something to mull over in pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison: Zulily employee attempts similar scheme from Office Space to similar results, but isn’t bailed out by an arsonist

Ultimately, the best part about this whole story is that it’s just a great excuse for everyone to make Office Space references all over again.  Like, people don’t realize just how timeless of a film Office Space really is, and that it was so perfectly created that it could very easily be watched in any decade with minimal age cringe, and still be relatable.

I just like how there were people out there who actually thought 20 years was sufficient time past the release of the film to think that they could actually get away with trying to enact the same plan as from the movie.  But then they somehow manage to make the same critical error in their program, and basically come to the exact same result as in the film, which was roughly around $300,000.

I mean, if fictional Initech were going to notice $300k, then a real company like Zulily was definitely going to notice $300k.  I don’t know if this guy and his team forgot to carry a one over somewhere in their code, or more likely just weren’t particularly bright, but it’s hilarious to think that they thought they would get away with this.

Worst part about the changing of the times is that companies like Zulily are largely virtual and decentralized now, so even if they did have an arsonist in place to be their contingency plan, all their data was probably all cloud-based anyway, so short of knowing what server farm in what continent it was running off of, the likelihood of them burning down the right one probably wouldn’t have been very high.

All the same, thanks to this story, Office Space is back in the forefront again, and perhaps the worthless kids of today can watch it and get a glimpse of what waits for them in the future, and bring them back down to earth a peg or two.

Oh, Atlanta #428

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

lol’d – drag racers get stuck on railroad tracks while trying to evade police

For every Fast & Furious installment, there are probably about 75,000 clowns who think they have the driving skill to successfully evade the police and maybe 1% of them that actually can.

What the story does not necessarily make clear is if the cars went off-road and ended up on the physical tracks themselves like survivors in The Walking Dead, or if they got stuck on a railroad crossing, because the CSX lines run all through Atlanta, and it really could be either.  I’m assuming that it was the former, and these clowns got off the streets and ended up in the giant rail yard kind of close to the location, where they got stuck because their Chargers or Mustangs aren’t meant for off-roading much less the impact of driving all over rails, but I like to imagine it was the latter situation, and they simply got stuck at an ordinary railroad crossing.

It’s like whenever we all take driver’s ed at some point, there’s always a small section about railroad crossing safety, and it’s always about if your car gets stuck on the rails, don’t stay in your car, etc, etc, with the very obvious consequence being getting plowed by a train.  Now I may be tempting fate and Murphy’s Law by writing this out, but I’ve always been more curious on how people manage to get so perfectly stuck on a railroad crossing in the first place?

Like, even if you noticed that your car was stalling out or dying as you’re approaching the tracks, surely momentum of a 2,500+ lb. vehicle should roll you over the crossing, or perhaps you might not be so braindead as to apply the brakes and come to a stop before even approaching them?

But assuming such would be giving too much credit to the clowns that actively partake in the Atlanta street racing scene in the first place.  Firstly, they decided to do their bullshit drag racing and burnouts on a dead-end road, so when the cops did show up, they were probably boxed in, and they had no choice but to flee off-road.  But to anyone who’s ever been on this street, perhaps to go to an Atlanta Brewing Company happy hour or booze cruise maybe, might have noticed the massive amounts of tire marks on it in the first place, from countless bozo predecessors.  Clearly APD eventually realized the layup it would be to simply stake out the street and eventually some clowns would show up to be clowns, and sure enough they did.

But I still like to think that all the events happened kind of in slow motion, and that the perps in question were able to evade the cops for a short period and get around their road block.  But then they go to the simple railroad crossing on Collier an inexplicably went from 65 mph to 0 and stuck right on the middle of the tracks, to where the fuzz caught up to them and immediately apprehended them.

Now that’s the kind of shit I’d like to see on the TikToks and Instagram handles all these attention-starved hoons plaster all over their rides.  Got to work in that social commentary shade without having to dedicate an entire post to it, bonus!

This story jacks me up HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Stories tailor-made for me: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan holds home invader at gunpoint until authorities arrive

Man, y’all have no idea how much of a high this story puts me in.  As a kid, I was a fan of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his over-the-top patriotism; the 2×4, the way he waved Old Glory with such exuberance, and the constant calling out of HOOOOOO!!  He was the ultimate babyface, and regardless of his actual win-loss track record, it was impossible to root against him.  Against Earthquake, Sgt. Slaughter, Yokozuna, Hacksaw Jim Duggan was the ultimate paragon to root for, without any of the bullshit baggage that guys like Hulk Hogan were notorious for dragging along.

As an adult, I had the privilege of meeting Hacksaw Jim Duggan at a minor league baseball game one time.  My friends and I made a trip to Frederick, Maryland primarily because Hacksaw was going to be there.  I got him to sign my replica of the WCW United States championship, and he brings wholesome balance to the fact it’s also signed by a pre-murderous Chris Benoit.  But the best part of the visit was that Hacksaw was just cool as hell, and spent more time than was necessary just chatting and hanging out with one of my friends and I who didn’t really care about the baseball game itself.

Needless to say, there’s always soft spot in my heart for Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and when I read this story about how he thwarted a home invader, it just got me all sorts of jacked up excited.

Of course a paltry home invader was going to do the job to Hacksaw Jim Duggan.  The guy is the first ever Royal Rumble winner.  A former WCW United States champion.  Former WCW Television champion.  Made wrestling fans turn on Goldberg, when they squared off.  A WWE Hall of Famer.  Defeated cancer.  Twice.

The crook clearly had to not have known the property he was trying to break into.  Or if he did, he chose very, very poorly.  All embellishing aside, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is still a relative tank of a man, and I would think twice about engaging a man of his stature, even if he were unarmed.

But speaking of arms, I really am curious to know what kind of firearm that Hacksaw whipped out to subdue the intruder.  As I said, the guy is a beast physically and I’ve shaken Hacksaw’s hand.  He’s not Andre the Giant, but he definitely has big meaty hands from a life of sports and entertainment, and I would imagine a Glock would feel pretty inadequate in his grip.  I feel like a guy like Hacksaw probably had a Magnum or a handgun with some rather large caliber rounds, because I can’t imagine a guy like him is interested in a tiny pew pew gun to protect his home.

Really though, I think I speak for all fans who’ve heard this story, we all really wish the news broke that he subdued the intruder with his 2×4.  Just smashed it over the crook who broke into his home, and then pointed it like a shotgun at the guy on the ground until the cops arrived.  Or better yet, if it was dark, he actually held the piece of wood like a shotgun claiming it was a real shotgun and kept him docile with a fake gun.

Honestly, the crook probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is to not be dead.  Hacksaw comes from an era where he’s one of the fortunate ones to have made it out alive for starters, but to be of sound mind and body to where he had the self-control to not just blow the fucking head off of an intruder in the first place.

And in true paragon Hacksaw Jim Duggan manner, he didn’t press charges, on account of the crook claiming he was running from danger.  In more ways than one, the crook was granted way more generosity and leniency than he deserved, but that’s just the kind of guy that Hacksaw was and is, in and out of the ring – a true babyface that does the good things, regardless of if the heels in the world deserve it or not.

Man, the world is so lucky to have people like Hacksaw Jim Duggan in it.

All streaks come to an end eventually

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

The last time I was in any sort of car collision, it was like in 2002.  Completely my own fault and fortunately didn’t involve anyone else, just me being a dumbass with a new-ish car, thinking I was invincible.  But over the last two decades, I’ve been fortunate to not have gotten any incidents by my own fault, as well as fortunate to not have been victim to someone else’s shitty driving capabilities.

Welp, two decades worth of incident avoidance came to an end the other day, when some dumbass managed to tap my rear fender and cause damage to my six-month old car.

TL;DR nobody was hurt and honestly, my car is actually in almost an unblemished state.  Just my rear passenger rim has a few scuffs that looks more like I scraped a curb parallel parking rather than getting hit on the highway.  The other guy’s shit Camry on the other hand looks like they’ve been in a collision because their car is light colored, plus they’re the ones who hit me, contrary to the driver’s immediate accusation when we pulled over to assess the situation.

In short, the above exit is where the incident occurred.  I was in the left exit lane to I-285, and the other person was right where the truck is in this screen grab from Google street view.  I’m passing them and then suddenly I feel the bump, and it actually took me a second to register that I’d just been hit.  For a brief second, I thought about continuing because it wasn’t a big hit by any stretch of imagination, but rational thinking prevailed and we both pulled over immediately, lest anyone get accused of a hit and run.

As mentioned, my car barely had any damage.  Their car on the other hand, although just as superficial of a wound that didn’t impact their ability to drive, by virtue of having a light-colored car, is more noticeable.  I immediately snapped pictures of the impact point of both cars and their license plate, and asked if they were alright.  Naturally, they were as it wasn’t more than a small tap, but the normal world isn’t a video game, and small taps in moving vehicles still need to be examined for rational people.

The driver of the other car, and his mail-order 90 day fiancé looking girlfriend didn’t waste any time in accusing me of hitting him, claiming I was trying to cut them off, and I calmly disagreed since I had my own exit lane, there was no reason for me to cut them off if I wanted to pass them.  I explained that I wasn’t going to play the blame game, and that we would most likely tell our insurance companies our respective stories and we’ll let them deal with the situation.

I mean seriously?  The laws of physics would say I would have had to have done some pretty intricate driving to have hit them in the point of impact and amount of damage, but from his driver’s seat, a sneeze, a jerk, or maybe he was getting a road beej from his mail-order side piece, was more than easy enough for him to have jerked his wheel to the left for a nano-second enough to have tapped me while I was passing.

Here’s fuel to the perfect storm of failure though; I’m in the midst of switching phones, so the phone I had on my person had no network signal.  Yes, I’m reminded after the fact that any phone regardless of network connectivity still has the capability of dialing 911, but I wasn’t thinking about it at the moment of incident, so I didn’t call the cops.  The other guy wasn’t calling the cops, either because he knew he caused the incident, or maybe because he was a black male and I get why he’d not want to bring a cop out.  Maybe both, who knows.  Either way, no police report occurred, which means that no matter the actual fault, most likely nothing is going to happen, and it’s a push both legally and with insurance.

So it’s extra fortunate that my car basically had no damage because I’d hate to have to pay a deductible to get superficial scuffs removed or a new rim, and have an accident reported on my VIN, because it’s most likely nothing can happen given the end result.

But all the same, I was involved in a collision, the first in two fucking decades, and naturally it’s because some dumb shithead was a bad driver, and not because I caused it.  In the grand spectrum of things, it’s fortunate that my car had no actionable damage and nobody was hurt, but I’m still full of piss and vinegar because it wasn’t my fault, and it completely derailed my entire day and makes me feel like my feeling of confidence and superiority in driving ability is wounded because I still fell victim to someone else’s recklessness.

Except it very much is

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

The other day, I was passing this gas station, and I saw this bigfoot truck waiting to pull out.  It looked like a classic orange guy supporter truck, except for the fact that it was a Toyota, but import vehicles haven’t really stopped idiots from being racists all the same.  In my rear view mirror I saw it make its turn, and naturally they were headed in the same direction I was.  The upcoming light had two left turn lanes, and I took the right, and I looked forward to when they’d pass me on the left, so I could anticipate just how ironically hilarious of an array of stickers they were going to have on their back window.

Much to my surprise, there weren’t any really inflammatory stickers on their vehicle, but they did have this one (not the actual vehicle): Street racing is not illegal

And then I immediately was amused, because just the very phrase “street racing” has implications of at least like 2-3 illegal actions.  Public endangerment, reckless driving, aggressive driving, speeding come to mind immediately, and I’m sure those more versed in the law could probably rattle off some more.

Unless this person’s definition of street racing is racing another person to see who can get to the posted speed limit the fastest, while being of no risk to anyone else around them, I’m confident that every other form of street racing is probably illegal as shit.

The funny thing is that when I was looking for a reference photo to use with this post there are no less than seven other “creators” who have made similar stickers, but with taglines at the end that are all like “okay it is but we don’t give a fuck” or something along those lines.  But this one, without the acknowledgment of law breaking seems to stand alone, which leads to believe that the people who actually run around with this sticker, might actually believe that doing impressions of The Fast and The Furious in their Hyundai Sonatas and Chrysler 300s is totally legal.

Hard to tell who would be dumber between these clowns and orange guy supporters . . . unless they just so happen to be overlapping, to which the query answers itself.

Oh, Atlanta #577

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these but obviously, it’s the same old song and dance that I just don’t have the time.  Honestly I feel like if I ever wanted to do one of these every day, I’m sure I could find a story absurd enough to warrant a post.  But there are days like today where the story came to me for a change of pace, and upon seeing it, I knew it was inevitable that I had to write about it:

Deadly shooting occurs at a Subway; over too much mayonnaise being put on a sandwich.  I really can’t make this shit up, even if I tried.  But to expound on the unfortunate situation, basically a Subway employee put too much mayo on a customer’s sandwich, they became irate, and then words began being exchanged, and the next thing you know, they’re opening fire into the restaurant and killing the employee.  The manager on duty promptly returns fire because of course they’re packing too, and the whole thing ends with the shooter arrested, an employee dead, with the employee’s sister who also worked there, also shot and in critical condition.

Also, the 5-year old kid of one of the women struck was there and watched their mom get shot.

Typically, these kinds of posts are dripping in sarcasm and are more of a you’ve got to be kidding me in an ironically judgmental funny way, and I’ll be honest that this is how I felt when I started writing about it.  But honestly, it’s nothing really funny about it is as much as it’s just fucked up and sad that there are people out there that genuinely felt that the best course of action to resolve the dissatisfaction at getting too much mayo on their fucking Subway sandwich is to pull out a gun and start shooting like Yosemite Sam.

I know this particular Subway, and where it is, and it is very much not in a particularly good part of town.  It’s riding a line where everything east of it is touched by the magic gentrification fairy, and are in a period of where there are people hoping to cash in on rising property values and get paid, but on the west side of the thoroughfare is basically still the Jurassic Park of ghettos.  So it’s not really any surprise that this kind of incident happened at this part of town, but it’s still tragic and fucked up that there’s literally a person dead over mayonnaise on a sandwich.

Guess all that’s really left for me to say is that I’m sure glad I don’t work or really have any business being in the city proper anymore, because I’d sure hate to get in the crossfire of any sort of altercation over shitty fast food.