Make Em Say Ughhhh . . . on the crapper

I grimace face’d: has been rapper Master P releases line of instant food with the intention of replacing Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben, aptly called “Uncle P’s

Lately, I’ve been in one of my writer’s ruts.  My janky ring finger that makes it occasionally difficult to type, combined with the fact that now that my brog is back up, I haven’t really found a good rhythm to write, and I’ve kind of lost touch with all the sites I used to hit up to seek out inspiration.  And then there’s that thing called “the baby” which commands the vast majority of all my days, and I sometimes struggle to find things to want to write about, or find the time to carve out in which to do some writing.

It’s times like these, when stories like Uncle P’s Louisiana Seasoned instant food line, kind of help trigger my brain into spurting out words again, and see if I can break some of the rust that’s forming on my writing chops before they go too dormant.

Honestly, my first thought when I read the headline and then saw the hero image was, is this for fucking real??

I haven’t heard Master P’s name since like, 2000 when he showed up on WCW to do a rap vs. country music storyline that ironically ended up with the heel country faction helmed by the late great Curt Hennig inadvertently getting super over, when it was obviously clear that the rap faction was the intended stars.

He also released this shitty song that somehow was always in the top-5 music videos on MTV that I used to watch the countdown after school because I literally didn’t know what else to watch and MTV seemed like it might be cool.  Coincidentally, the lyrics are what I would imagine the average Uncle P’s customer would be doing, while on the crapper after eating too much of Uncle P’s hackneyed instant food products.

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Grasping at the low-hanging fruit obvious joke

A Maruchan plant in Chesterfield, Virginia reported seven employees testing positive for coronavirus.

If they were forced to destroy all product manufactured in the presence of these infected employees, Maruchan stands to lose $7.82.

Don’t get me wrong, few things are as guilty pleasure than instant ramen and their 9 billion grams of sodium per pack, and as a proponent of limiting waste, I don’t like to hear stories of so much food having to go to waste.  But the joke is so obvious, it has to be made.

How is this even a debate?

Chick fil-A. Waffle House. American Deli. The Varsity.  Four Atlanta-born restaurants; if you had to kill one, which one would it be?

I think it’s safe to say that Chick fil-A and Waffle House are immediately safe.  Jesus’s chicken, although I would still slot it underneath Bojangles, still has the greatest app in the history of apps, and its ease of use probably drives more Chick fil-A visits than the average fast food joint for me. 

Waffle House also holds a special place in not just mine, but should in just about every breathing human being alive.  Whether it’s the garbage food that always hits the spot, the fact that they’re never closed, or the stories of interesting characters we’ve all seen, there’s absolutely no reason at all to even consider Waffle House for the chopping block.

Now American Deli, I had no idea was even started in Atlanta, much less considered remotely respectable to even be put into this competition.  I always associate American Deli’s as food options always seen at the sketchy mall or shopping center, and that in spite of the “American” in the name, I don’t think I’ve ever once seen someone that was probably born in the United States actually working at one.  The menu is homogenized and overpriced, and there’s never an instance where there’s not a better option available around one.

Which means The Varsity has to fucking go.  Honestly, this really shouldn’t even be a debate.  The Varsity is pretty much the worst food available in the entire city of Atlanta and the state of Georgia.  I mean look at the food in the picture above; I’m pretty sure I could have a bowel movement onto a bun and it would look more appetizing than that trash.

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Impossible Burgers are pretty good

For a while, I’ve wanted to try an Impossible Burger AKA the meatless, plant-based burger that allegedly pulls off pretending to be a beef patty, impossibly well.  I was pretty alright with the idea of swinging by a Burger King to try an Impossible Whopper to see what all the fuss was about, but mythical wife was convinced that I needed to try one at a real restaurant and not a fast food joint, so that I can get a more accurate bar of what an Impossible Burger was capable of.

It also doesn’t help that maybe it’s just Georgia, or the general state of Burger King as a company, but I realized it’s pretty challenging finding nearly as many Burger Kings these days as there are just about any other fast food joint out there.  Needless to say, I ended up waiting a little bit before I would get my chance to try one of these hamburgers of myth.

But over the weekend, I finally got to try one.  Mythical wife took me to the restaurant she had in mind where I should try one, and I was pretty excited to get to try it finally.

Honestly, if nobody ever told me that what I had eaten was an Impossible Burger or any other plant-based, meatless hamburger, then I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.  It tasted like a hamburger, the consistency was that of a typical hamburger, and like I said if I didn’t know it wasn’t actual meat, then I would’ve just figured I had a regular beef hamburger.

In all fairness, I have a tendency to like my burgers pretty loaded, so what I had eaten was with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, grilled onions and ketchup and mustard, so the general flavors do get jumbled up in some bites.  Admittedly, there is a slight flavor difference in the patty itself, but it’s pretty miniscule and I ask myself if I’d even have noticed it if I didn’t already have in the back of my mind that what I was eating wasn’t beef.  It’s kind of a slightly more earthy flavor, which isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s the tiniest hint that it wasn’t real beef.

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It couldn’t have happened anywhere else

In short: 28-year old man stabbed to death over Popeyes’ chicken sandwich in Oxon Hill, Maryland

Honestly, I’m more surprised it’s taken this long for there to be any killings over Popeyes’ chicken sandwich (that I haven’t been able to try but am highly skeptical that it has any possibility of living up to the hype much less being superior to Chick Fil-A or Bojangles).  Maybe there have been, but considering that nothing’s made the news like this one, I’m led to believe that this is the first.

But there we have it: a person was killed over the artificial mania created over a fucking chicken sandwich.

If this really was the first incident of someone dying over the craze over the Popeyes chicken sandwich, I have to say that it really couldn’t have first happened anywhere else than Oxon Hill, Maryland.  I’m actually quite familiar with Oxon Hill, and it’s not just me flinging shit and generalizing because I have an innate disdain for the state of Maryland; seeing as how my parents’ old barbecue restaurant was in Oxon Hill for seven years, and how I worked there for the last two, is specifically why I’m familiar with Oxon Hill and had developed such a disdain for the state of Maryland.

In fact, my parents’ old restaurant was literally two doors down the strip plaza from this specific Popeyes’ where a guy was stabbed to death over a chicken sandwich.  One my biggest pet peeves I had when I worked there was when people would get their meals at Popeyes and bring them into my parents’ restaurant and bought a small drink from us so they could justify sitting in our tiny dining area to eat because our business was so poor the last few years.

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Hoarders: office leftovers edition

Throughout my career, I’ve worked primarily in office environments.  After around 20 years of this kind of professional lifestyle, it’s safe to say that I’ve been inside of them to know that if you’ve worked in one, you’ve kind of worked in all of them.  Otherwise, shows like The Office or movies like Office Space don’t exist, because anyone’s who’s ever been in office life can immediately relate.

One of the more fascinating sociological observations there are in an office environment is the introduction of communal food; namely the inevitable leftovers that typically occur, because in most cases, office environments almost always end up with more food than there are people capable of eating it all.  Typically, in most places I’ve been, leftovers are often times placed in a break room or somewhere publicly communal, and then some admin sends a wide-reaching mass email to notify everyone that there’s free food leftover.  Cue the chargers.

My current workplace is no exception to this practice.  If anyone on my floor has any sort of catering, the leftovers are often put in the breakroom and the floor admin emails the whole floor to let all teams know that there’s free food available, and then the same people stampede en masse to pick at the remains, and even worse, there are some who simply just collect and hoard, effectively denying those who might actually want to eat immediately.

The thing is, my current workplace is a gargantuan office campus, so there are tons of floors potentially doing the same thing on any given day.  It’s gotten to the point where there’s a Slack channel dedicated to people all sharing information on where there are leftovers somewhere on the campus, prompting people to be going to some odd and unrelated to their jobs corners of the property in order to get some free leftovers.

But among these level-5 scavengers are the aforementioned hoarders who don’t just go hunting for leftovers, but like they do on their own floor, go to hoard and save them, for later consumption.  It’s these particular people that serve as the impetus to this post, because as I’m sure everyone’s seen the office scavengers in their own respective offices, I have to wonder how many people have come across such office hoarders, who go around hunting for leftovers not just for instant gratification, but for preparation for future meals on a larger scale.

Case in point, these particular individuals go as far as to have a stockpile of Tupperware, saran wraps and aluminum foil in their desks, with the intent of hoarding leftover food from around the campus.

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When did Annandale become a giant PF Changs?

Over the weekend, mythical wife and I went up to Virginia to visit my family, as we had some pretty important news to tell them.  Since good Korean food outside of the litany of all-you-can-eat KBBQs are pretty few and far between without having to drive some distance, we decided to meet up with my family at a Korean restaurant in Annandale, which anyone with any knowledge of Northern Virginia is astutely aware is very much, the Korean part of town.

Or so I thought.

Clearly, things have changed a great deal throughout the years, most notably the fact that Korean food is very much en vogue and extremely popular these days.  The restaurant that my family and I went to was slam packed when we got there, and the vast majority of the diners in the restaurant were very much not Korean.

I had fond memories of this place from when I was younger and still living at home; for one, my parents were still together, but I remember how the place was much smaller, very much more rustic, with a décor that was definitely trying to lean old country, with rice papered walls.  Everyone in the restaurant was Korean, and the atmosphere and ambiance was much more relaxed and slow paced, and the soondooboo jjigae was scalding hot, and the absolute most perfect food on the planet to eat on a winter’s night.

When I suggested the restaurant, my mom questioned me if I was sure if this was the place I wanted to go, saying it was always slammed, and that there always a wait.  I didn’t realize we were talking about the same place, but clearly as she still lives in the area, has witnessed the PF Chang-ification of not just this particular restaurant, but presumably the rest of Annandale, as Korean food began to catch the imaginations of all sorts of white people who love to claim to be adventurous eaters, and relished at the thought of being the pioneers amongst their peers to delve into the worlds of all this oriental food.

Needless to say, when we pulled up to the restaurant, I was at first a little surprised at how the place was now substantially larger than it was the last time I was there, and the parking lot was three times larger, and just about every single spot was taken.  It’s actually amazing that the two cars we had were able to find spaces.  But upon going inside, it was another surprise to me to see just how slam packed the place was, and with the vast majority of diners, most definitely not Korean.  This was very much a shocking contrast to my last memories of this place.

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