The story of how I got the price of my car to where I got it, in wrestling speak

Obviously, in the process of buying a car, nobody goes to a car dealership, finds the car they want, and immediately agrees to pay approximately what’s written on the sticker of the vehicle.  Fuck that.  And in the case of my recent car purchase, I most certainly did not pay the listed price that was posted on the vehicle I ultimately ended up with.  I paid significantly less was posted; perhaps I could have done better if I had a little bit of time on my side, but I didn’t, but I’m fairly satisfied with the whole process in the short amount of time in which I accomplished it.  But suffice to say, it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t speak with many different parties.

After sniffing around for the car I wanted, I discovered that it was available at Big Boss Man’s dealership.  Right then, I decided that the Big Boss Man was ultimately going to be my primary target of where I wanted to purchase, since they had the exact car, with all the features I wanted, right there, ripe for the taking.  However, I didn’t want to pay close to the sticker price on it, so in order to play ball, I knew I had to get some other parties into the fracas.  So, I inquired with Buff BagwellMuhammad HassanStevie Ray, K-Kwik, and Konnan’s dealerships, to see what estimates they would be willing to give me for the same car, regardless of the fact that I knew not one of them had what I was looking for in their current inventories, but it wouldn’t be impossible for any of them to acquire what I was looking for in order to gain my business.  And to make things interesting, I decided to reach out to the distanced Ric Flair’s dealership, in order to have an unknown ace in my pocket for negotiation purposes.

I really had no intention of getting involved with Ric Flair, since he was far away, but interestingly enough, he was one of the first and most willing participants in my search.  Stevie Ray and K-Kwik were of absolutely no help or use to me, and I chalk that up as the two black dealerships being lazy (surprise) and not really wanting my business.  Buff Bagwell, Muhammad Hassan and Konnan all eventually returned to me with numbers, and then I proceeded to use the best one (Flair’s) as the new bar set, and played the four of them against one another in a Fatal Four Way Elimination match to see who would ultimately give me the lowest number.

If I had to put money on the participants, I wouldn’t have imagined Ric Flair to be able to hang with the younger, more local talent.  Konnan was actually the first participant to be eliminated, and had the audacity to lecture me about how I shouldn’t wait, and/or be so peculiar with what I was looking for, to which I believed killing with kindness was the appropriate response, so I smiled and told him thanks before giving him his unconditional release via FedEx, and wished him the best in his future endeavors.

After Ric Flair set the bar yet again, and put the proverbial figure-four leglock on the situation, Muhammad Hassan couldn’t handle the pain, and tapped out unceremoniously.  When I asked if he wanted to continue, there was no resistance, no dramatic head shaking, futile reaching for the ropes, or cries or begs for help.  Hassan simply looked at me and said “no”.  That’s it, one word, a simple “no” response, and he was eliminated from the match, and sent packing for his Italian jihad.

With only Buff Bagwell and Ric Flair remaining, trading blows, I decided it was finally time to get the Big Boss Man into the fracas.  I explained the situation, and if he wanted to get involved, to which he said he needed a moment to think about it.  Turning my attention back to the two competitors, as predicted, the Boss Man charged the ring, and got involved immediately.  Bagwell and Flair had no idea that the Boss Man was an unknowing co-conspirator to the screw job I was going to unleash on them, but things were playing right into where I wanted them.

Bagwell and Flair blasted the Boss Man with steel chairs, before turning on each other, and all three wrestlers were on their backs, for the moment.  The Boss Man was still the favorite, but I wasn’t yet content.  Ric Flair was close to his limit, but feeling a little bit merciful towards the old guy, I decided to not push my luck with him, and so I chose to use Buff Bagwell to possibly gain more leverage on the Boss Man.  Since I didn’t want any of the participants to know that I was conspiring with all of them to some degree, and not risk the chance of Bagwell and Boss Man realizing that I was going to pit the two of them against each other, I lied to Bagwell and told him that Flair’s offer was better than the Boss Man’s offer, and gave him a fictitious number of what he needed to match in order to gain my business.  As I had hoped, Buff Bagwell was eager to accept my fabricated number, making it valid, and was already climbing the second rope in preparation for the Buff Blockbuster.

And it was after this verification of a significantly lower rate, did I turn to the Big Boss Man, and inform him of what he needed to match in order to gain my immediate business, because I knew he had the car that I was looking for on his lot, with no requirement of a deposit.  And as I had hoped, the Boss Man complied to give me the rate I was hoping to get, and with that, the match was basically over.  Buff Bagwell dove off the second turnbuckle, right into the arms of the Boss Man, who immediately put him away with a devastating sidewalk slam.  As for Flair, he was eliminated moments ago, but hadn’t yet realized it yet.

And then I hit the ring, and raised the Big Boss Man’s arm in victory, as the other participants of the match looked on with disgust and dismay, and the fans began to pelt trash into the ring.  But I didn’t care, because I got exactly what I was looking for, at a significant lower cost than what was advertised.

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