You’ll never un-see it

I’m one of those guys who will often use his own vernacular around people, with the expectations that they should understand it.  A part of me derives pleasure from the random reactions I get from people, after I have to explain my choice of words to them, and it’s even better when they begin to integrate it into their own vocabulary for future use.  Such is one of those instances.

  • Barry Bonds’ home run record will always have a butthole next to it.
  • That’s not the final price, see the butthole next to the MSRP?
  • No, you don’t use the X key for multiplication, you use the butthole key.

If you haven’t gotten it yet, buttholes are a euphemism for asterisks, since in a twisted kind of way, they kind of look like them.  Starfish, pinwheels, or whatever.  I call them buttholes.  Look no further than the crown jewel of guerrilla marketing at its best.

As chivalrous as it would be to assume that Walmart has their own in-house marketing team who created their current identity and brand, I’d be willing to bet that it was instead done by a third party.  One that’s name is one name repeated twice, and/or instead of dashes and ampersands, they use the + symbol instead, and/or are full of people who boast about how they were in creativity magazine at some point in their career.  But more importantly one that’s full of very liberal minded hipsters, who probably don’t see the irony that their paychecks are funded by evil corporations like Walmart that require their services, because in the end they’re full of shit too, and just want to pay their bills and make end meets, regardless of where it’s coming from.

But anyway, since degenerate hipsters are like the ones at the helm of the agencies that establish brand for corporations like Walmart, I have this hypothesis that one of these agencies deliberately created the current Walmart brand to what it is today, as a form of guerrilla amusement.  I mean, why would Walmart have a butthole in its logo for in the first place?  How did this come to be?  The original, dated look, had a plain star in it.  How some company convinced them to switch to a butthole is beyond me.

Actually, I know how they did it, because I’ve done it before, and made these before.  agency + agency put together a 69-page manifesto using thick, glossy stock, about Walmart’s new brand, complete with butthole, and how they found all sorts of inspiration from the moon and the stars, and the pursuit of helping people with monopolized prices and the deaths of mom ‘n pop commerce.  And by the time their winded presentation was over, the hick management from Bentonville, Arkansas was so exasperated, they gave the green light on the new identity, whether or not it was a butthole.  And here we are today.

I imagine some hipster designer snickers every time he sees a Walmart commercial, and pats himself on the back that he was one of the rogues that managed to get the evil corporation Walmart to sign off on an identity that consisted of a butthole.  And then proceeds to drink his Pabst out of a goblet, and puts his Chuck Taylor adorned feet up on his top-end Ikea furniture, like a true hypocrite.

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