But right now, I kind of hate my family. I kind of hate all Koreans for that matter. The feeling will obviously eventually subside, and we’ll all find some sort of compromise to living again eventually, but at this very moment, I’m kind of pissed off at life, and I have only my family to thank for that.
Does this make me sound selfish? Yeah sure, but I’m coming to the conclusion to a potential personal belief that everyone needs to have some selfish in them in order to prevent themselves from missing out on well, life.
During the tail end of my latest miserable visit up to Northern Virginia, the place where I grew up and now the place I dread going to more than jury duty or a workload of 380+ slide PowerPoints, the family was having another argument. Typical Korean story bullshit, but then my mom pipes in that she now “gets” why the grandparents in Korean dramas are always pining for themselves to finally just die, so that they could alleviate the burden of their existence of their struggling children.
At this remark, something inside of me snapped. It’s a whole other chapter to the Korean story that I just absolutely fucking hate about my people. Koreans feeling the need to be so selfless and sacrificial to their offspring that they completely screw themselves over to where they accomplish nothing in life that creates the capability for them to sustain themselves when they grow old. It’s not just in Korean dramas either, because I grew up hearing at least five hundred times my own grandma moaning out that she wished that she would just pass on, and get it all over with.
I can’t say that I really knew my grandmother that well. She lived with my family for a few years while I was growing up, and we were often times always at odds because of not just the language barrier between us, but the simple generational gap between her and the old world, and me being the defiant little shit I was when I was a kid. But regardless, aside from the fact that she birthed five daughters, I don’t really know anything about her. I do remember though that I never once met my grandfather on that side of the family (that I can recall), and for whatever circumstances, they were never successful to where my grandmother wasn’t always a topic of argument between my mom and the aunts throughout my formative years.
No disrespect to my grandmother, but she didn’t really succeed the Korean story. My family and the rest of the aunts’ families struggled to sustain her in her golden years, and she was more often a topic of argument than she was someone trying to peacefully enjoy the remainder of life. There were points where it seemed like none of her daughters wanted to house her, whether it be for financial, conflict with the rest of the family, or just plain not wanting to, and she spent a few years in a home too. Doesn’t really sound like a successful Korean story there.
But that’s kind of reality. That’s kind of like what all the Korean dramas my mom was referring to is like. The monumental number of failed Korean stories that exist out there, because in reality, not everyone is going to be substantially financially successful. Success is most certainly not about the hardest workers making the most money, it’s a combination of sure, hard work, but also the people you know, actual talent, timing, luck, tenacity and perseverance. In reality, the perfect storm of all these good fortunes doesn’t happen to everyone. To everyone it doesn’t, a more mundane life awaits. Does it necessarily make it a bad life? No, but it’s definitely not the financially successful and sustainable outcome that the Korean story is so often seeking.
So with such terrible odds in the world, it makes me wonder why should I be so selfless and lay down my life and cease my own goals and ambitions, if/when I ever have children of my own?
I’m not saying that being selfless is a negative trait. It’s a fantastic trait to have, and certainly the world would be a better place if more people had more selflessness. But at the same time, I do believe that there is such a thing as people who are too selfless. So much, they shoot their own lives in the foot, and accomplish absolutely nothing at all in their own lives. I’m thinking of a lot of people that I know in my life that I’ve seen make valiant efforts to be selfless and be “the guy” for everyone else, and often times I wonder if it really gets them anywhere other than maybe e-shoutouts or a pat on the back. Hell, I know I’ve been that guy in my past too, and sometimes still feel the need to remind myself to help myself with my own interests and pursuits. But I find it hard to sympathize with those that are so selfless they miss out on things that they’re genuinely interested in, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with helping yourself.
I’m also not saying that people should be selfish to the point of being unpleasantly greedy, but does it really hurt to help one’s self from time to time? Absolutely not. Live out your own lives and accomplish as many things as you wish to try. Eventually, there might come a time when as middle-aged grown-ups, we feel like we’ve done all the things we had in mind, and might then shift more priorities into massaging the next generation.
One sad revelation I realize is that I don’t really know my own parents that well either. It’s not just my grandmother, I don’t really know my own parents all that well. Chalk some of it to the language barrier growing up, but frankly, I don’t know my mom’s hobbies, or what my dad’s first car ever was. I know my mom was a bank teller at one point, and that my dad was in the Korean Marines, which makes everyone in my family believe my dad has some sort of PTSD which has led to a lot of his behavioral issues that appear to be the core of what’s ripping my family apart. But I really don’t know a whole lot more them, which I’m now feeling some regret about and feel the consideration to rectify.
My resolve for writing about family-related bullshit has hit empty again. Again, I’m more or less just blowing off steam via words, because frankly I don’t think anyone really wants to listen to me yammer about this kind of crap one-on-one. But I think I’ve said everything I was thinking about throughout the course of today. And of course, it’s absurd to say that I hate my family genuinely, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still pretty fucking pissed at them right now.
