During October, while other TV snobs were going apeshit over the impending returns of programming such as The Walking Dead and American Horror Story: Freak Show, I too was getting excited of another showing embarking on a new season.
90 Day Fiancé.
I’m fucking serious. The most popular shows in the country have some stiff competition as far as I’m concerned with the parade of train wrecks that TLC keeps putting out. Extreme Cheapskates, My Strange Addiction, My Five Wives, I can’t get enough of these terribly entertaining shows. But among those, I’d have to say that 90 Day Fiancé might have to be my favorite.
I’m like a hipster when it comes to television, while the whole world is losing their shit over zombies, freaks, Disney characters and amateur singers, I stick with TLC.
For the life of me, I can’t seem to locate on my own brog, the post where I talked about it last, but I make no secret that I find this show as guilty of a pleasure as they come. There’s nothing like watching people so socially incapable of maintaining relationships with one another, that they all seem to gravitate towards solutions in other countries, so that it’s almost as if they have a convenient excuse for when the shit inevitably hits the fan.
Anyway, the second season is underway, and I couldn’t possibly be any more excited. Whereas the first season of the show at a 100% success rate in couples getting married, I can’t possibly believe that such is going to be the case with the array of couples in season 2. The best part about season 2 is that unlike season 1, which was all pathetic dudes importing in mail-order brides, this season features two pathetic women, who have imported their men to America to try and hitch them in 90 days.
That being said, none of them are as golden of a recipe for disaster as Danielle and Mohamed. For starters, Danielle is 41 and is from Bumfuck, Ohio and Mohamed is 26 and hails from somewhere in Tunisia. Danielle has three teenage “daughters,” and I put that in quotations, because one of them literally looks like the guy who played Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films. Danielle is an emotionally frail woman who shares her wardrobe with one of her daughters, and Mohamed uses religion as justification to not sleep with Danielle despite declaring her “physically acceptable.”
If I am a betting man, Danielle/Mohamed is the one relationship that has to fail. There is no reason that this season needs to have a 100% success rate, and if any one of them has to fail, this is the one. Mohamed couldn’t possibly be any more transparent with his pursuit of a green card, and when the cameras stop rolling, there has to be a zero percent chance that he stays in fucking Norwalk, Ohio.
Just because I started this, I may as well share my thoughts on the odds of the other couples:
Danielle/Mohamed: 99 (fail)/1 (succeed). I’m banking on this one to end in failure, but I wouldn’t put it past TLC to kind of make sure that it goes through, and then whatever happens off camera, happens off camera, or is mentioned on a website update, or if they do another follow-up special prior to season 3 (if there is a season 3, god I hope there’s a season 3).
Chelsea/Yamir: 65/35. Chelsea is a priss from Bumfuck, Illinois, and Yamir is a popstar from Nicaragua. Undoubtedly, Yamir became enamored with Chelsea, because she was a unique white girl in Nicaragua, and has decided to forego his life as a superstar in his home country, to follow his vapid girlfriend into the United States, because she misses, plumbing. Yamir will become miserable being a nobody in the Midwest, additionally burdened by a language barrier. He will run off with the first relatively attractive girl that also speaks Spanish.
Brett/Daya: 55/45. Brett is a possible homosexual from Suburban Washington State, and Daya is a gold-digging green card hunter from the Philippines. When the very first interaction upon arrival is questioning of choice of flowers and that the engagement ring looks like it could be possibly fake, the word “vapid” flies out the window and an adequate substitute is nowhere to be found. I think failure is a very good possibility either due to Daya’s gold digging behavior, or Brett’s biological daughter completely preventing it, but in spite of the bitchiness, I think Brett still has the upper hand, because it’s pretty clear that Daya wanted out of the lower-class Philippines.
Danny/Amy: 50/50. Danny is a derpy kid from Amish, Pennsylvania, and Amy is a five from South Africa. They’re also the youngest couple in the show’s history. Once again, be it religious, or just the fact that they’re both so derpy, not only are they refraining from sex prior to marriage, they’re not even living together, with Amy shacking up with Danny’s older brother and his wife. So Amy is left isolated in Amish country, while Danny is off working construction. They succeed because they’re young and stupid, or they fail because they hardly see each other, and there’s plenty of time for both to reconsider getting married.
Jason/Cassia: 40/60. Despite being the last couple to be introduced into the show, I think they stand a decent shot at making it through to the end. Cassia has already been painted to be an extremely high-maintenance and bipolar bitch, but Jason has also been established as a pretty dry and mundane man with a military background, which is key. 40 is the relationship actually never taking off, because Cassia was being a raging bitch that threatened Jason to not go back to the United States with him, but 60 would be Jason successfully bringing his mail-order bride back to the States, and sitting around and letting Cassia walk all over him on the way down to the aisle, and him liking it.
Justin/Evelin: 20/80. Despite the fact that Justin is a colossal douchebag, I think it’s a pretty foregone conclusion that this is the one couple that stands the strongest chance of making it to the end of the show. Whether it’s true love or Evelin wanting a green card, the only thing that seems capable of getting in the way of the aisle is Justin’s misogynistic views towards how women should be treated, that might be somewhat lost in translation when it comes to applying them to a solid eight from Colombia. However, Justin’s willingness to essentially say ‘fuck you’ to his family when it comes to their judgment is a strength in the pursuit of the aisle, and leads to believe that they just might make it.