Impetus: Butthurt wrestling fans flood social media with their displeasure of latest WWE product, make major outlets like TIME actually think WWE is in trouble.
The WWE’s going to be fine. They’ll weather the age of insufferable (social media) as they weathered the age of steroids, the age of reality, the age of competition, and every other age that they’ve ever had to weather.
As much as I hate to cite those obnoxious “Keep Calm” sayings, it actually rings true when it comes to wrestling fans, primarily those that only pay attention to the WWE; they simply need to keep calm and trust in Vince, because one way or the other, the company is going to survive this, they’re going to adapt, and they’re going to make it.
But for the sake of having something to write about, let’s write about what would happen if the fans truly had the keys to the WWE; after all, every fan that spouts off on Twitter clearly knows more than a company that has earned legitimate billions throughout its existence, and that clearly can be done with monkeys in the drivers’ seats. So what would happen if real, intelligent, and smart fans ran the business with their litany of brilliant ideas?
- Daniel Bryan would die. Without question, Daniel Bryan would perform every single night, multiple times on televised shows, and used on every single live event/house show. Today’s fans are rightfully obsessed with Daniel Bryan, and understandably so, but they also seem to realize that the guy is coming off of neck surgery, and hasn’t even rehabbed for an entire year. The man is already in pretty rough shape from a lengthy career of wrestling, taking bumps and doing stretching his physical limits, but the fans are going to demand more Bryan, and with more Bryan, the more he’s going to rapidly deteriorate, and it’s only a matter of time before he dies from simple overexertion.
- Likely to someone like Kevin Steen, or whatever he’s going by in NXT right now, because the fans are all gotten the mass opinion that the NXT roster (WWE’s developmental federation) is vastly superior to the current WWE roster, and if they were in charge would inevitably call up all NXT performers to the big leagues. And since all WWE superstars are shit, Daniel Bryan would be matched up against all of the NXT hotshots like Sami Zayn and Kevin Steen, who are good workers in their own right, but most of the time, guys are kept in developmental for varying reasons, some of which is simply the fact that their performance levels aren’t quite par to what the WWE is looking for. And since smarks know that Kevin Steen can do a 450 splash, they’ll demand that he bust it out in his match against Daniel Bryan, but because he’s also a fat fuck, flipping and rotating 450 degrees before landing on a lightweight like Bryan will likely, kill him.
- Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins will become paralyzed. Both are tremendous workers, incredibly over with the fans as the biggest face as well as the biggest heel. Reportedly, the two of them have been “reprimanded” at various points for essentially being too good in the ring; sounds asinine, but in an industry of frail egos as wrestlers, it’s important that there’s somewhat of a consistent status quo of performance that needs to be gravitated around, and it doesn’t help locker room morale when particular individuals shine too brightly and make everyone else around them look dull in luster, comparatively. But with the fans in charge, the shackles would undoubtedly be taken off, and it’s only a matter of time when two hotshots who live to steal the show, are paired up against each other and have 27 minute matches where the two try and out duel the other with higher and higher risk, and before you know it, there will be a botched Frankensteiner off the top off a scaffold that goes through Hell in the Cell, and both guys end up paralyzed and their careers end.
- John Cena, Roman Reigns, Randy Orton and anyone considered too big, “forced.” or “hogging the main event” will become instantaneous jobbers. Not only will they suddenly lose every match they’re in, the fans will demand the rebooting of third-tier programming such as Heat and Jakked for them to have an appropriate place to have their talents and efforts wasted in.
- Damien Mizdow becomes world champion until it’s decided that he’s too big. And when the fans grow tired of Mizdow, they’ll quickly turn their backs on him, and in a twist of irony, the guys the fans will have relegated to the lower card will find appreciation and acceptance in purgatory, and in a moment of Schadenfreude, the writers will be able to suppress guys like Cena, Reigns and Orton, much to the dismay of the WWE universe.
- The WWE would probably go under. Let’s be real, if the fans were in charge of the WWE, everyone they liked would be worked to literal death, storylines would become unnecessary and arbitrary, developmental would cease to exist because they’re considered ready, and the fans would get bored. The company’s assets would burn out, die or be overworked to uselessness, the product would subsequently suffer, and it’s a matter of time before the entire endeavor stops becoming profitable. The reason the wrestling business model works is because it’s always in a state of leaving the viewers wanting more, regardless of if they agree or disagree with the product, but if fans were given everything they ever wanted, there’s little reason for them to continue to tune in, or continue vesting interest.
It’s really that simple, and it’s really not that big of a deal. The wrestling industry has always been criticized for one reason or another, and this legion of disgruntled fans is only a big deal now, because of the strength and presence of social media, and the general ease of accessibility of the WWE and all its superstars. Fans boo because they’re expected to cheer, and they cheer when they’re expected to boo. It’s a current age of insufferable, and people want to play back against those they feel are trying to play them.
Regardless, they need to calm the fuck down and stop trying to take the company over, because when the day is over, they’d simply ruin it if they all got what they were clamoring for, and that’s simply not what’s best for business.
