I’m in a little bit of a rut

The subject says it all.  I do feel like I’m in a little bit of a rut right now.

Naturally, I’m fairly clueless to why this is the case, although I suspect it has to do with the summer vacation I never really wanted, the new job, the adaptation of a new routine, the feeling of starting over from square one in a way, and that I kind of feel like a little fish in a big pond.  I make more money than I did at my previous job, and my commute has literally been slashed in half, even if I am working on somewhat of an island that I occasionally fret has the potential to impact my social life.

I’m a grown up, and I should be able to deal with things like this better than I probably am, but for whatever reason, I still feel like I’m in a rut right now.

The most noticeable things to me is the fact that I’m having difficulty getting excited about things lately.  And I have some amazing things to look forward to in coming months; Dragon*Con, a possible drunken Disney escapade, and my first-ever trip to Europe.  I know that every single one of those thing will very likely be great, fun and memorable occasions, but I’m just having a hard time pumping myself up to truly get excited about them.

Another reason why I feel like I’m in a rut is the notion that I’m feeling somewhat mentally stagnant. Perhaps it’s on account of recent sleep issues, or the fact the rut is bringing down the chemical balance in my head that keeps me on a more even-keel.  Unfortunately, “mentally stagnant” is also another way to justify having a writer’s block, and to someone like me who puts so much effort in trying to write on a regular basis, it’s something that sucks on an astronomical level.

I was having tremendous difficulty in thinking of something I wanted to write about while I had the capacity to do some writing, before realizing that wasn’t really thinking about anything but my current inability to formulate something to write about.  So then I decided to write about just that, because it’s at the forefront my mental state currently.

And I’ve said it just about every time I decide to put into writing, the fact that I’m having a writer’s block, that sometimes just vomiting out words onto text sometimes helps bring forth possibilities, or reasons.

The more I think about my rut, and what could be causing it, I’m beginning to think it’s possibly financial.  Obviously, it would be great to win the lottery, strike it rich, and absolve all my debt (AKA my house), but life’s not that instantaneously easy in reality.  The point it, I think over the last few months, I’ve been putting financial matters too far forward in my mental checklist of concerns, due to the fact that I haphazardly took some time in between jobs, coasting on residual paychecks from the government.

Starting from scratch, I was beginning from kind of a low point in terms of financial cushion, and I think that’s where the root of my rut may have begun.  I wasn’t getting out as often as I may have liked to, because I needed to play it a little safe and conservative until the paychecks started rolling back in, and ease my mind in terms of financial security.

That really could be just it.  Aside from an obnoxious banking institute that insists on locking my card whenever they suspect fraudulent activity (A Japanese restaurant), the balance in my bank accounts aren’t as concerning as they were a week ago, or a week before that.  And as I settle into my job, things should all fix themselves as I hopefully ease into new grooves, routines, and a way of life that will also hopefully assist me out of this rut.

We’ll see how things are come next pay day, and if just being financially worrisome helps put my mind at ease.  But for what it’s worth, writing all this crap out, I think kind of helped.

Leave a Reply