Frankly, I don’t much feel like writing lately. I’ve been leaning on the crutch of trying to find an intriguing story to me with hopes of sparking some motivation to write, and opting to not force the issue and not writing anything if nothing emerges. Otherwise, I haven’t felt particularly driven to write, and it’s safe to assume that when I’m not busy, have plans or something to do, I’ve kind of been in this depressed state of being, where my life simply kind of feels like it’s on hold and I’m not particularly happy with my life.
But as far as I can observe, that seems to be a general sentiment felt by many, as 2016 comes to a merciful close – not particularly happy. Make no mistake, whether you believe a narrative can be conveniently encapsulated within a calendar year, or if it’s coincidental to be insulated within twelve particular months, 2016 was a pretty rough year. Maybe it was because of the litany of celebrity deaths, from Prince, David Bowie to the seemingly endless coverage of Carrie Fisher. Maybe it’s because of the election of a president that is a known bigot, sexist and racist and the dread of knowing that he will be in charge of the country for at least the next four years. Maybe it’s the ever-growing dredge and pessimism and ‘if it bleeds it leads’ mentality of the media and the social shitstorm it brews over social media, leading to this endless cycle of negatively connoted news we’re incessantly exposed to. Maybe it’s because in our own personal lives, we’ve dealt with loss, bad news, or diminished feelings of hope for the future at the home front.
Or maybe it’s a little bit of all of the above, or any combination of such. Who really knows, but it goes without saying that for most of the people in my own little world, the negative outweighed the good by a tremendous margin, and that notion in itself is why I’m one of the many that is looking forward to 2016 ending, and hoping that 2017 might just be a little bit better.
Sure, I think it’s silly to believe that 2017 has to be better simply because it is not 2016, but I also feel that people have taken a tremendous amount of crap throughout the year. If rolling a number up is all it takes for people to regain a modicum of faith and hope that things can get better, I’m all for it, and also bidding adieu and good riddance to 2016.
It was a year where I witnessed loss from those close around me. To say it wasn’t completely lost on me would be incorrect because although not my blood, it was like losing a second mother, and the sadness I felt and still feel is very much legitimate. Loss is never an easy thing to deal with, and as a person that’s pretty much flawed with empathy, seeing others around me devastated by their losses is absolutely miserable for me to sit around feeling helpless to comfort.
It was a year in which my career choices came back to bite me in the ass, where chasing dollars and a shorter commute last year resulted in a job I absolutely loathed and tested my resolve on almost a daily basis. Although I can applaud myself for swallowing a little bit of pride and breaking some old professional mentalities and getting out of there and making a change, I can’t deny that I probably took some steps back in title, wage and the fact that I’m on the ground level all over again. I don’t regret the choice one bit, as I’m definitely happier in my day-to-day work life, especially compared to what would’ve been in the previous job, but it does still lend itself to the notion that my life kind of feels like it’s on hold.
It was a year in which I’ve been witnessing my own family ripping themselves apart. Between a sadistic life’s joke on my sister’s family to watching my own parents unable to handle a divorce without an unnecessary amount of vitriol, I’ve gone to bed far too often at night feeling dejected and miserable at the state of my family. It’s led to roller coasters of frustration and anger over trying to play mediator between individuals who don’t even know what they necessarily want, and this doesn’t even factor in the endlessly maddening language barrier that further feeds into the cycle of frustration of an American living The Korean Story. I’ve been finding it extremely difficult to live out my own life because these are matters pertaining to my own parents, and I don’t feel like I can effectively live my life when their lives are compromised by a gigantic ugly boulder in the path that is most certainly surmountable, but only if I can get them on board with a compromise that they can both live with.
And it’s been a year in which I’ve begun to say goodbye to my home for the last 14 years. This isn’t to say that I’m leaving Atlanta or Georgia, it’s to say that I’m putting my house on the market, and beginning to look to the future. But this too isn’t without emotion and anxiety, because ultimately it’s a massive change, and I’m just a person that has a tremendous amount of difficultly dealing with change sometimes. Sure, I know there’s a lot of benefit to moving out and living more in-town, but it’s still a massive change that I’m going to have to deal with. It’s been my home for 14 years; longer than I’ve lived in any one place in my entire life, and it’s saying goodbye to a place where I learned a tremendous amount about homeownership, finances, life and endless other things, and I definitely consider the anxiety of leaving as a major point in my year.
All in all, it all boils down to the notion that 2016 has been a year where I’ve basically put my life on hold, and I don’t necessarily feel like that’s such a good thing. Who likes to be put on hold? But for a lot of reasons that are a little bit out of my hands, that’s kind of where things are.
Not to mention, nothing seems more a metaphor of things being on hold, than my brog going down in April, and despite of having an objective of getting it back up for 2017, it will remain down for even longer. Why? Life, of course, and those involved in the upkeep of my brog having their own life issues that take precedence over hovering over computers. But if it’s never been clear to anyone just how important my brog is to me, having it being down for 8+ months is very notable point of contention to my general state of wellbeing and overall happiness.
In spite of the things that I’ve decided are points of demerit against 2016, this isn’t to say that the entire year has been putrid and completely miserable. Naturally, there have been a few good times, namely some notable trips and explorations. Going on a cruise for the first time in my life, with mythical girlfriend, and sailing across the Aegean Sea, seeing countries I’d never been to in my life like Italy, Croatia, Turkey and Greece was a very good trip. And finally visiting the Motherland and going to Korea with my mom was a memorable experience. And in spite of how blah 2016 may have been, I can still pinpoint the exact moment where I felt tremendous happiness and where for that moment of time, nothing else existed but the happiness, when after my mom and I had just arrived in Seoul, and the fun she was having with an old friend, seeing the smiles, laughter and exuberant joy, melted my heart and I can’t forget it.
See? Not everything about 2016 was pure shit.
Anyway, I’m struggling to write all of this out, and my resolve isn’t particularly high. I’m glad to see 2016 come to a close, and I certainly have hopes that 2017 will be better than this year. I’m tired of feeling like my life is in this uncomfortable hold pattern, and I’m hoping I can get back to a point where I don’t go to bed every night feeling depressed and dejected about the situations I’m in. Such will probably require some help from others, but let’s be real here, I’d want to spread the wealth, and hope that everyone around me has better years than the current.
