Unfortunately, it didn’t happen in Georgia, so it can’t be the mother of food payload spills, but it still warrants a few words, just because of how tragic it is. But a truck full of DiGiorno and Tombstone frozen pizzas tipping over and spilling its delicious cargo all over the highway? That’s a god damn shame.
Seriously though, I’ve often waxed poetic about the sequence of trucks spilling on Georgia highways making some sort of mythical banquet, but just about every combination of things from Georgia’s list would pale in comparison to a gigantic, Cici’s Buffet-caliber buffet of frozen pizzas.
Because pizzas are among the world’s most perfect foods, encapsulating everything into a fairly compact and often well-combined entrée, and considering no utensils are necessary, once you get the pizzas, all you really need are occasional beverages.
The imagery is both humorous and tragic at the same time, because it’s amusing to see pizzas all over the roads, it’s also kind of sad to know that almost all of them are now considered a wash, considering fuel sloshed all over the most of them. And then the pictures of bulldozers running over pizzas, with their reddish-orange sauces and paste smearing all over the surface, never to be enjoyed my human consumption is a tragedy almost worthy of a single, solitary Native American tear.
I wonder how many degenerates and food obsessed motherfuckers rushed the scene and tried to get away with as many free frozen pizzas as they could, before they were made inedible? Because you know that had to have happened, when in the carnage of pizza flopping around everywhere, the occasional opportunist must have gotten out of their cars and tried to get away with some free pizzas.
Whatever though, this is a tragedy in the silliest way. Of all the things to shut a highway down and make people miserable, a pizza spill is definitely a new one for the books, but also the shame of hundreds and hundreds of frozen pizzas never being enjoyed by drunks, the lazy, the obese or all of the above is something worth pouring a sip out for the fallen.