Life is complicated

I specifically earmarked this particular day to write about how I was about to embark on a vacation back to Korea, with a brief stop in the Philippines, and how excited I was.  It was exciting to be going back to the Motherland, because I had such an amazing time when I went for the first time last year, and I was really pumped up about this time going with mythical gf, since she’s such a Koreeb, and it would be fun to kind of witness the excitement of a first visit through her eyes as well.

This is a trip that had been planned for the better part of the entire 2017 year, where lots of money, planning and more money had gone into nailing down travel and lodging in order to get the optimal prices at the optimal times in order to accommodate both our work schedules and allotted vacation times.  But it was done a long time ago, and since then, it’s always been the constant milestone to look forward to, the thing we’ve been counting down the months, then the weeks, and then the days, up until today, when we eventually embark.

But as its often said, life doesn’t operate in a vacuum, and an infinite number of things exist all around us at any given time.  I don’t really know to segue to it in a smoother transition, but based on the title of this post alone, it should be expected that an unfortunate turn is bound to happen.  But there’s a medical issue in my family and to cut to the chase, there is an uncertainty on the amount of time this person has left. 

As far as I’m concerned, this could not possibly have happened at any worse of a time, but naturally I am not the actual person concerned.  But it doesn’t make it suck any less that a life hangs in the uncertain balance, and I’m in a trapped feeling position of not knowing what I can do, because life isn’t about me, there are others involved, and every choice affects others in a variety of manners.

Basically, I’m in a position of either canceling my entire vacation, likely eating a fuck ton of money in the process, and instead going to be with my family where we can collectively hope for the best despite the fact that the worst is the expectation at this point.  The best would obviously be the best, but without the worst, then the full repercussions of all the cancellations are concrete, and there are no refunds on anything, but then that also involves the loss of a life.

Or, I go on the vacation that I’d planned and been looking so forward to, and always have in the back of my mind wondering if I made the right choice, and constantly be worried about the status of my family while I’m abroad, fearing for the worst.  And if the worst should happen, would I want to know or will my family even let me know, knowing that I’m on a vacation?

Neither choice is a good one, and I’m aware of how shitty it sounds comparing dollars to the value of life itself, but there’s a lot of internal debate on how unfair life is being at this current juncture, and just how it all feels.

By the blessing of the one most involved, I’m still going to go on the vacation, because they’re selfless like me, and really, really doesn’t want me to forfeit living my own life at the sake others, even themselves.  Perspective says that I would definitely request similar of others if the circumstances were reversed.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m probably not going to really be able to fully enjoy it, out of concern for them, and always wonder if I did the right thing, especially if things take a turn for the worst.

I wish I didn’t have to feel this way right before a vacation, but I kind of hate everything currently.  Life is most certainly complicated, and it sure as shit isn’t fair, but we all know that already.

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