An acquaintance of mine was inquiring about cars over theFacebook, and among the numerous responses she received, I happened to notice someone mention “Corolla hatchback.” Now I haven’t heard of the Corolla having a hatchback since like the hachi-roku, so unless this person were recommending that this acquaintance go out and get a nearly 30-year old car, which if you’re looking for a reliable daily driver is a terrible idea IMO, then Toyota’s clearly made something that I didn’t know about.
Lo and behold, it turns out that Toyota has decided to enter the 2010s and make a hatchback vehicle to compete against the Souls, Fortes, Golfs and Mazda3s, and that aren’t the sad Yaris or x-Whatever shitboxes. And frankly, they’re taking this shit seriously, because at first blush, there’s a lot to like about it; it looks really pleasing to my personal aesthetic, it’s available in a manual transmission, it has a ton of the gadgets that all cars seem to require these days, the fuel economy is solid, and the price is extremely competitive.
Dare I say, I actually really dig just about everything about this car . . . except for that one little part where it’s called Corolla.
Yes, I know it’s silly to pass judgement on anything based on the cover of the book or the name of the vehicle, but come on, it’s the fucking Corolla. The Corolla hasn’t been cool since the aforementioned hachi-roku back in like, 1986, and since then, the Corolla has been the automotive embodiment of what it looks like to give up on life. I know it’s harsh to compare the Corolla to the Ford Taurus, Chevy Lumina, Saturn Vue, or even it’s big brother Toyota Camry, but the reality is that they existed in nearly the exact same role as those larger full-size senior movers.
Corollas were the cars non-rich and non-white parents gave their teenagers as their first cars, because they were the perfect combination of cheap, reliable, safe and easily replaceable when they fucked them all up because they’re teenagers. Corollas were the cars that sex offenders drove because they were cheap and inconspicuous and driving around in them allowed them to hide in plain sight and have any semblance of existing in the world that hates their existence. Corollas are probably the cars that sleeper jihadists are driving around in the United States, because of the same reasons why sex offenders drive them.
But mostly, Corollas were the cars that those who have thrown in the towel in on life drive, because they’re cheap, reliable, get good gas mileage, and you just stopped caring of what those around you thought.
The fact that Toyota has decided to slap the Corolla label onto this sweet hatchback is probably the one thing that retards the potential sales of it. They probably thought that naming it a Corolla will create an association with cheap and reliable, but frankly to me, it just means that it’s a car that indicates that I’m ready to give up on living my life, and that most certainly is not quite yet the case.
It really sucks too, because my car is getting up there in years and as much as I don’t want to get back into car payments, I have to accept the reality that I will have to start looking for a new car sooner rather than later. And although I’ve told myself that my next car will probably be larger in size, things could easily change, and I could be on the lookout for another hatchback vehicle, because I’ve really loved having a hatchback for the last near decade, and I don’t think I’d want to go back to a car that didn’t have the space and utility of one again.
Off the top of my head, if the Corolla Hatch weren’t called a Corolla, it would most definitely be up there as an initial contender, but honestly the current model of the incumbent car would definitely be up there too, that’s how much I’ve enjoyed driving it. But because the Corolla Hatch is called a Corolla, it gives me great pause, and would require a tremendous deal of mental Olympics to overcome the hurdles of being named a Corolla does to it.
A fuckin shame too, because the Corolla Hatch looks sweet as hell, and has a ton to like about it; except it’s name.
