Writing when I don’t feel like writing

My motivation to write lately has been pretty nonexistent lately.  Not necessarily due to depression, quite the contrary, I’ve managed to pull my head out of the darkness a little bit better since my last brog therapy session.  It’s just that I just don’t really have any motivation to write.

I’m not finding a lot of things on the internet that are inspiring me to write, and maybe I’m still in a state of having writer’s rust when it comes to consistent brogging since I got my site back up months ago.  The point is, I just haven’t felt like I’ve had any real inspiration to write, and I don’t particularly feel motivated to write about things out of thin air either.

Regardless, the anxiety of letting too much time pass between posts is greater than the anxiety of feeling like I don’t have anything to write about, so in order to try and fill the airtime, I’m doing something I used to do whenever it was that I felt like I had nothing to write about: sit in front of a blank canvas and just start writing and see what words I can barf out.

Life lately has been somewhat steady over the last few weeks, especially since my mom is living with me for a few more weeks, and I have the peace of mind knowing that my daughter is in good hands while I hole up in my office for work; I’m actually utilizing my dedicated office space in order to take my job more seriously, as I probably really wasn’t during the first few weeks of quarantining, especially since I had a newborn baby that’s now a 7+ month old infant now.

My entire team has been told that we’re basically going to be working from home until at the very earliest, January 31st of 2021, and frankly even that seems like a dubious milestone in my opinion, because I think when the day is over, schools are what are going to be driving the decisions of all companies on whether or not they’re going to make employees come back to the offices or not.  Child care is low-key the main thing that is going to determine whether or not businesses large or small will be going back to offices any time soon, and even that, is going to be determined by the availability of a vaccine, since ‘Muricans can’t stop being so selfish for two months to effectively quarantine and let coronavirus burn out on its own.

But whatever, for better or worse, I’m working from home for the remainder of this year, and into the start of next.  Regardless of the state of work in that time, I can always have peace of mind knowing that I am always going to be home with my child, even if she will be with the nanny that we’re going to have to hire part-time in order to have eyes on her while I take my job seriously.

Frankly, this isn’t going as well as I hoped it would, I was hoping that as I was writing down words, more ideas and thoughts would permeate into my brain and inspire me to write more, but it’s not really working.  Typically, I’d always be looking for stories or news that would inspire me to write, but lately between paywalls, anti-ad blocking and the fact that most sites with interesting content are talking about nothing but politics, coronavirus, and the same shit that’s been discussed all year long, it’s hard to find any good things to inspire me to write about.

Recently, I finished watching The Good Place and just more recently finished The Vow on HBOmax.  The Good Place’s final season, makes me think that there’s a little bit of a misnomer about preannouncing that a season will be the final one, because I feel like it makes viewers cognizant about how everything they see is among “the lasts,” and as the episodes start ticking down, people like me start to grow sad that a good show is winding down, or they become critical in that they’re thinking the show might not be ending on the home run they hope it would.  That was kind of like me with The Good Place, and as overall pleasant the show has been throughout its run, it’s definitely no Parks and Recreation, but frankly asking anything to encore that is a nigh impossible task.  It still invoked a lot of emotion as the final episodes wound down, and was outright a good show.

The Vow on the other hand, started off as the clinger-on show that came on after Lovecraft Country, but as time progressed, it became the show that I personally was more engrossed in over Lovecraft.  I remember being genuinely interested in the whole story of NXIUM when the arrests first happened, mostly because I was like “holy shit Chloe from Smallville was busted for being in a sex cult???” And the 14 year old in me was all like “holy shit Chloe from Smallville in a sex cult sounds like some demented fantasy.”

Either way, the show was very easy to get sucked into, and it’s produced extremely well, and if not for the insane narcissism of Keith Raniere, we wouldn’t have all these countless hours of footage in which 75% of the documentary could have been derived from, and it’s astounding to think and/or be skeptical that was this much volume of video and audio available in order for all this to happen, but in a way it’s kind of appropriate that an organization run by a rampant sociopath like Keith Raniere wouldn’t want everything to be documented for some vain satisfaction later on.

Anyway, aside from work and television, I really can’t say that much else has been going on.  I’m still operating on low amounts of sleep every night, and there’s a little bit of impending dread at the idea that when my mom goes home, the honeymoon of having grandma taking all-star care of my child for free and mythical wife and I needing to pick up the extra time amidst our day jobs is a little daunting, but we’ll make it work.  But it’s still much of the same, we revolve around baby until she goes down, and then I’ve got like 3-4 hrs a night to not be a parent until it’s time to go to sleep and start over again, and again.

I’m also nearly up to $700 in belt money, so at least there’s that going for me as well.  Fascinating the passive trends and things one can learn by doing internet surveys over and over and over again.

Leave a Reply