The perpetual uphill plight of the brogger

Morning #1 back from Korea; I’ve taken the rest of the week off to help me get over jet lag, and the fact that on top of Europe, on top of Korea, there’s one last weekend trip to Florida for the Disney trip that has happened every single year for the last few, for the Food and Wine Festival. 

I stayed up for nearly 30 hours with hopes of counteracting the going-back-in-time nature of going East to West, and that when I did sleep, it would be a nice snooze-fest culminating with me waking up feeling refreshed and closer to beating the jetlag than succumbing to it.  Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night once, managed to fall back asleep, until the landscapers at mythical gf’s complex decided to roll in at like 7:00 am and get to work, waking me up feeling groggy and a little cranky, although I am relieved to be back in Georgia after such a long trip still.

So, with a little bit of breakfast and my first good cup of coffee in a long while, I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do next with myself.  Do I try to write about Korea?  Do I edit photos?  Which ones?  Europe, or Korea?  I can’t edit photos on this raptop; I don’t have my old baller work raptop to do that on anymore, so I can only edit on my PC at home.  But I’ve also got nearly 2,000 photos over two trips, and I haven’t touched a single one.  What about the list of thoughts and observations that served as the mental list of things to write about once I got back?  God damn the list is really fucking long.  Do I write about Worlds?  Virginia Tech’s annual delving into the National rankings before they fall out again?  The Cubs taking out the Giants?  The obvious ambiguity of the Miami coroner not revealing Jose Fernandez’s toxicology reports?

Here’s the thing though: not a single one of these things that I feel like I need to do, are things that I’m required to do.  Nobody reads my brog; it’s down, still, and I’m beyond my wits end with that fact.  I can’t even read my own brog.  So why do I feel like I should spend so much of my time brogging?  I mean, that’s what I do, I write in my spare time because that’s what I’ve always done, and although I might not appreciate it at the current, I know I’d appreciate it all later, because I’ve been chronicling my life and thoughts for the better part of the last 17 years or so.

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Alone time

I have no idea what I’m going to do when my brog is up and running again. Am I going to retroactively timestamp posts I made on the dates in which the impetus stories took place? Am I going to just post them in order as soon as things are up and running again? I don’t really know.

Frankly, I don’t know about a lot of things, and I’ve been feeling really vulnerable and uncertain about my life now, and for quite some time throughout, well, maybe all of this year. The lack of having my brog I think has given me an exorbitant amount of time to stay within my own head and think about things that probably need to be thought about, but I don’t really want to, mostly out of trepidation and anxiety.

For a site that has literally maybe six regular visitors, it means nothing to anyone really, except for me, and it’s got me dealing with some separation anxiety for my greatest and most dedicated hobby over the last 15 years. I imagine to some, it’s a place for me to spout off about opinions and veiled commentary about things in my life, which aren’t inaccurate statements, but honestly it’s a means for me to mentally vent and not just share my thoughts with those who want to read, but to kind of chronicle my thoughts and remind me that these are things that I’ve thought in my life.

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General brogging

The formula for my writing over the last few years is that typically I find a particular topic that piques my interest or inspires words to formulate, and then I write as much as I can about it, and vomit it up onto the brog.  I’ve tried not to write for the sake of just writing, but on a day like today, I’m also thinking that there’s a little bit of value in such an exercise as well.

Basically, I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic lately, and I think it was spurred on by an old picture I came across while perusing through some old folders on my hard drive(s).  A picture led to a corresponding brog post back from the pre-WordPress days, and naturally it led to that awkward feeling of looking in the past to see how much style has changed from past to present.  Undoubtedly, back then, I wrote in more of a diary style that captured more of the mundane and daily living, and I could probably say that I wrote more for the sake of writing back then, then I did with a particular topic or goal in mind.

Sure, that means that anyone who read any of that kind of stuff, it would be safe to say that they might have an interest in my life in general, but for an outsider, or someone who doesn’t know me well, or at all, it’s something that’s definitely not worth reading.  However, that style of word slop was often times better at conveying my emotions, moods and feelings, because frankly I was more blunt and obvious with such things when writing about shit like going faster than another car, or my anal-retentive Uncle Tom of a superior at that current job.

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Programming note

I know my brog has been silent as of late.  This is not lost on me.  I have not given up on writing on a daily basis, I have not been gallivanting with my girlfriend instead, and I am not dead.

My brog is having some technical difficulties lately, and my orange brother is either in like Hawaii or Bratislava or Nicaragua or somewhere, so I’m not going to bother asking him to fix shit until he’s back.  Basically, there’s something about time-stamping and the ability to upload images that’s making me not bother until it’s resolved.

For what it’s worth, I’m still writing daily, and will go on a retroactive posting spree when everything is back to normal.

A funny thing happened

Over the span of the last few days, my beloved brog had come back up online.  It was one of those “oh, look what’s back” kind of moments, because I was having a conversation with someone about something, that I knew that in the past, I had a relevant picture uploaded to my site.  But because I assumed my site was still down, I went straight to Google, with hopes of finding a cached version of what I had in mind, but discovered that my site was actually up and running again.

Color me surprised and at the same time, a little bewildered.  I’m happy, undoubtedly, enough to warrant the Shawshank metaphor to have my brog back up online, but at the same time, I’m kind of like “what do I do next?”  I’ve gone over a month without regular writing, and I feel a little bit out of touch with my writing chops.  I have a feeling it’s going to take a little bit of time to get the wheels turning again, especially with the way life is right now, which is to say a little bit different than how it was back in the end of September, the last time my regular postings had ceased.

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Out of sight, out of mind

So, what I had feared might have happened, did happen; with my site down for the indeterminate amount of time it’s been down, I’ve simply stopped writing.  Not only have I really stopped writing, I haven’t even given much thought about writing until I really sat down and started writing this.  As this post is entitled, out of sight, out of mind.

I do not want to get used to this.

However, I can’t necessarily say it’s a terrible thing that such has happened, as since the brog’s temporary offline status has taken effect, I’ve actually been pretty busy in my daily everyday life’s affairs, likely to the point of where anything that I would’ve posted, probably wouldn’t have been of much quality that appeases my personal standards in the first place.  I won’t really get into everything that’s happened since the period of time in which the brog was operational, but I will say that most all of it has been positive.

More than a lot of people that know me might expect.

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If my site goes down

And I can’t post to it

Should I even keep writing?

The answer to this should be yes, but I’d be the first to admit that with my site and all Mossgreen sites down on account of the servers being physically moved from their old home to their new home, it’s almost as if I don’t have a brog anymore at all, and I feel no compulsion to write.  But due to the fact that I know that it’s only a matter of time before everything is back up online, that I should probably have some posts to post, for the sake of my OCD of wanting to have at least a post every weekday, as well as the fact that ultimately, I never really want to not write.

But yes, if you’re one of my six readers, I’m sure you’ve noticed that the site’s been down for [insert seemingly eternally indeterminate measurement of time], because the servers are completely offline, unplugged, and are sitting god knows where until they’re plugged back in and fed with Induku-internet once again.

What this means is that I’ll try my best to keep writing in spite of the fact that whatever I write on whatever date literally has nowhere to go, and then try and go back and retroactively post them when I had intended to post them, so that I can appease my neurotic need for continuity.

But even I admit that it’s a little weird feeling writing in word documents, only for them to go nowhere and sit until I can have my brog back up and running.