I’m having one of those afternoons where I am disappointed, dejected and more or less bummed out. Naturally, I had a train cart full of thoughts and emotions swirling around my head while I was driving home, but now that I’m behind the keys, I can’t seem to put any words down to convey how I’m feeling.
For starters, it all began with the fact that my submission didn’t make it into the Capcom Fighting Tribute book being released by Udon. I knew the odds of getting in were pretty slim, given the fact that I was years out of practice when it comes to illustrating, but I honestly thought that I had a pretty winning idea, that if the right people understood what I was trying to convey, I might have a shot, on a humor route. I liked my idea more than my art, and you can’t hit home runs if you don’t step to the plate, so regardless, I sent my submission out, and waited the month of anticipation and excitement with an alleged thousands of artists.
I can’t say I’m the least bit surprised when I found out that I didn’t make it into the book, because frankly there are a billion outrageously good artists out there in the world who make my best shot look like a toddler’s drawing of the American flag with seven stars and four stripes, and many more that won’t/didn’t get into the book much like me. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel kind of crushed and defeated, nonetheless.
Eventually, I got to thinking about what accolades or achievements I’ve had in my life in general, and then it occurred to me that I really don’t have any; and then the snowball of self-loathing really began rolling down the hill. Naturally, this thought process eventually devolves into the question “what have you done with your life,” and “what are you going to do with your life,” with the natural response being along the lines of “I don’t fucking know” in a frustrated manner.
Ultimately, I’m feeling like that I’m simply not good at anything. Not to a level where I can get notoriety or attention, and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and good at things to give me a sense of validation. But really, I think about things like my job, the things I like to do, the things I try to do, and I simply feel like on all available routes, I’m simply mediocre at everything I do.
This feeling will obviously subside, and it’s not lost on me to be this dejected at failing to succeed in a contest where thousands of vastly more superior artists will also fail to succeed, but I guess I just really had my heart set on this one, and I foolishly actually let my hopes get too high.
But god damn, do I feel really absolutely worthless and frustrated right now
