Short story shorter: woman in smarmy Mercedes-Benz somehow manages to not just crash, but wedge her car stuck onto the bumper of a smarmier $300,000 Ferrari
Watching the corresponding video to this tragic story, all I could think about was the issues that fictional Eagletonians dealt with in fictional Parks and Recreation; shit like not enough lobster at the soiree, or the mineral water content in the urinals being not up to par.
But this is pretty much the most Northern Virginia story ever to happen. A WASP pretending like they’re rich and white privileged, somehow managing to not just hit, but basically run over and get stuck on top of an extremely overpriced and expensive status symbol with wheels; owned by another WASP. Not to mention the Benz had a vanity plate reading “DER BNZ” because nothing is WASPier than needing to let everyone know that your car is definitely of a German manufacturer.
Seriously, I don’t even know how something like this occurs. There’s the obvious gender joke here that could suffice, but I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the physics of it all, how a car ends up on top of another car in this kind of manner. Whether it’s the biff of biffs when it comes to parallel parking, or she absolutely did not feel the wheel hit the curb when parking, and just kept applying gas until she was on top of the Ferrari, undeniably, there’s a degree of ignorance here.
Not to be ignored is the fact that all of this took place in Great Falls, pretty much the de facto richest part of Northern Virginia outside of actual Washington D.C. real estate. A place where Resident Evil-like mansions sit, tastefully distanced from the closets neighbors, where residents can boast natural boundaries such as wildlife, rock formations and rapid divides of water that keeps NOVA’s burgeoning Middle Eastern and Asian populations out without the necessity of any walls.
The whole scene is hilarious to me. Naturally, nobody is helping, because everyone is recording the whole thing on their phones. The woman in the Benz exacerbates the problem by trying to drive back off it and pushing the gas, resulting in more damage. And then the owner of the Ferrari comes out, looking as Ryan Jones as I’d have imagined him, cursing up a storm, while the woman driving the Benz emerges, exclaiming her shock.
But I think my favorite part is the guy reminding everyone that “at least nobody is hurt” in a deadpan manner, right before the video ends. Because you know the Ferrari owner probably exploded about how he doesn’t care that nobody is hurt, because his nine-inch penis on wheels has some cosmetic damage. Or said something like “WELL SOMEONE IS ABOUT TO BE” in a manner that he would only dare say to a white woman and not a male of any ethnicity.
But to briefly recap, a Mercedes hits a Ferrari, outside of a coffee shop, in Great Falls. Yep, about as NOVA as hating Afghans, loving gentrification and replacing Giant Food grocery stores with Asian supermarkets. And the amazing thing is just how viral this went, where a fender-bender between two white people in a small privileged community gets picked up by global news outlets. I wonder how many minorities were killed in senseless deaths went unnoticed in the same time frame?
