No-context writing

Sometimes, I feel like I haven’t done any writing in a while, and then say that I haven’t really found anything that’s sparked any inspiration to write.  But then I chastise myself that the whole point of me wanting to write doesn’t always have to have specific context behind it, and that sometimes, it’s just the urge to write, even if there’s no specific subject at hand.

Despite the fact that I’m still offline, a notion that isn’t ever not there whenever I sit down to write, it’s been an entire week since I last ranted about how much the Morbius movie is probably going to suck.  Since then, no matter how much I scour the news for an interesting topic, various websites and feeds to hope to see something that piques my interest to turn into a word explosion, it’s been pretty barren out there for my interests and inspirations.

Regardless, such shouldn’t be an excuse to go stagnant for too long, and despite the fact that I don’t really feel like I have anything to write about, the inherent urge to write is still there, which brings us to now, where I’m sitting in front of my laptop with a word doc open, no specific topic in mind, and my fingers still moving.

For the most part, a lot of this general writing stagnation probably has to do with the fact that these days, I don’t really have a tremendous amount of free time anymore.  Such is the nature of being an adult, and trying to maintain my place in the working world, as well as undertaking the responsibilities of a job that is no longer really on the ground level anymore.  At work, I’m often times operating with varying levels of stress in place, with there seldom being none at all, and simultaneously I have to remind myself that my decisions hold more weight than they used to, and that I am actually responsible for other people.  I can’t phone it in as much as I’d like to at times, and sometimes it feels like I’m doing less work, which feels strange, especially since I still see that the workload amongst the team hasn’t exactly dwindled.

Outside of work, has been a tremendous amount of other work, specifically all related to the planning of my own wedding.  I’m not going to pretend like it hasn’t felt overwhelming at times, the sheer amount of tasks and things to consider before June, because it sometimes does, and I hit points where I don’t want to do anymore work at home, and just want to marathon something on Netflix or watch the WWE Network for four hours instead of doing actual work.

However, the gratification and feeling of accomplishment that comes around every time I finish a task or check something off of the monumental list of things that need to be done, is always worth it, and at the time I’m writing this, I’ve gotten some of the biggest things I was worried about done or almost done, and then the list of things that need to be done will be that much smaller.  Granted, among those things are basically a whole lot of “pay this person/service/vendor off” and I never like parting with my money because I want to be cheap, but at least those are things in which money is the only thing exchanged, and not really any labor or effort.

But the invitations are done and almost all sent out, the hotel has been established with a group rate, and a large chunk of decorations have already been finished.  There’s still a lot of things to do sure, but at least now, I can feel like I can see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, and eventually, I will actually have a little bit more free time again.

Because for the last few weeks, I’ve felt like I’m losing myself to work, even more than usual, for a person who has a hard time doing nothing.  I like having things to do and tasks to accomplish, but I’ve been finding myself in the position of coming home, and the rest of my day is spent cooking dinner and then working on wedding things and before I know it it’s 10 pm, and I’m finding myself in the position of deciding to play it smart and wind down my evening, so that I’m not dead tired for the next day’s gym and work.  I mean, I could stay up until midnight every night like I used to, but I’m also not getting any younger, and I’m beginning to prefer the feeling of being well-rested and not gassed and needing four cups of coffee a day.

Ultimately, everything I’m doing at home as far as wedding preparations is undoubtedly worth it.  I kind of always envisioned that I’d be driving my own creative as far as printed things like invitations went, and as much complaining and bitching I may have done while designing, printing and hand-cutting everything, there’s still an immense feeling of satisfaction at the fact that I’m doing them all myself, and that they’re entirely being made under my own conditions.

But eventually, the work will wind down and taper off, and then I’ll be back to the norm, searching for shit to binge on Netflix, or finding myself falling down the rabbit hole of watching Dual Survival on the Discovery app I just discovered more recently.  And maybe then, I’ll actually manage to relax for a change, because as I often tell myself, relaxation is a skill in itself, in which I have very little skill at.

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